where the experience ends, the writing begins.

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-baaaaad to the bone

so... with the intention of making it to all my classes today, i stifle up enough energy and walk over to dwe 3225A where i usually have my engl 247 class from 6:30-9:30pm. i walked into the room, and a guy was sitting in the far corner studying something that was definitely not american lit or pop culture. he tells me that the class moved over to hagey hall, but failed to mention the room...

figuring i could use the whole "since i don't know what room my class is, i don't really have to go anymore" excuse, i begin the trek back home. i then run into my friend melissa who is taking the same course, and she comments on how i was walking in the wrong direction. i ask her if she knew about the class change, and she said yes. if i had gone to the last 2 previous classes, i would have known that the prof changed our room to hh 150 instead.

however, seeing as i was already 5 minutes late for class, and hagey hall was just so far away, i disregarded the information (as much as it was appreciated), and kept on walking.

... towards my apartment.

and in about 5 minutes i'm planning to drive over to silver city so i can catch the 7:30 show for the notebook... again.

let the long weekend begin :o)

is the sun coming up today?

browsed around exploding dog and came across this picture with the above caption:



19 degrees overcast. oh mr. sun, where did you run off to? :o(

in clayfield 11 news: "there were 4 in the bed and the stinky one said, 'move out'"... and so claudia did - to her boyfriend's house... for what looks like the rest of this school term. apparently while i was gone for the weekend, ruckus stirred in our humble apartment. once again i am the cheese that stands alone... clayfield 11 is falling apart, and i have a feeling that come mid-july, there'll be no one left here to pick up the pieces.

trouble is definitely a'brewin'... *dum dum dum...*

meanwhile, visions of trips to montreal and church camping trips keep dancing in my head :o)

well it's a marvelous night for a moondance...

finally i'm


saturday night, i reconnected with a whopping of 200+ relatives and family friends to celebrate my "mama vit's" 80th birthday. almost the whole clan travelled far and wide for this one shindig - from the philippines, the US, europe, across canada. dang. for someone who's 80, she didn't even look a day over 65 - i definitely want to be like her if/when i get to that age... to be able to accomplish so many things, to have seen all the beauty and wonderment that this world has to offer, to have been through life's struggles, hardships, and blessings, and still look gorgeous and come to the realization that you're not even close to completing your journey just yet - wowsers... and yes, everyone looked stunning :o). as the night unfolded, as i expected, i encountered the many "i knew you when..." and "is that estelle?! oh my, she's grown up so much!" remarks (complete with very painful pinching of the cheeks - yes, even at the tender age of 23) that were thrown my way, but i managed to dodge almost all of them gracefully... that is, only until 3 or 4 relatives decided to remind me of how ugly i was as a baby, and were quite fascinated by it... apparently i'm "beautiful" now compared to what i used to look like a few years back... yeesh - dang, go fig. relatives. *grumble* but all in all, the night was absolutely divine. it was a night of reuniting, laughter, music, positive nostalgia, slight tearshed, and wonderful times... knowing that my family's blood, sweat, and tears over the past few months over this one night finally came together so amazingly just makes me so incredibly happy and relieved to know that it's all over :oP *nostalgic sigh* family reunions are just one of those things that you dread going to, but after all that's been said and done, you can't help but just smile... definitely felt a case of the warm fuzzies that night. :o)

a slight change of pace, sunday (now yesterday) night was jacrise's 18th birthday celebration - the sun was out, accompanied by a mild breeze, and thankfully no sign of rain. the day was just as beautiful as the birthday girl herself. another night of all around good times, great friends, and as always, great food. in filipino tradition, the 18th year in a young girl's life marks the transition from girl to woman - she had 18 of her closest friends represent 18 promises of God, represented by a lovely rose/candle ceremony. *sigh* it's such a mind-boggling phenomenon to watch someone so close to you in your life grow up literally right in front of your eyes, but as is life...

and of course, the night wouldn't have been complete without a little game of sing-along musical chairs and line-dancing by moonlight in the backyard to the musical stylings of elton john's "don't go breaking my heart" and natalie cole's "this is it" once most of the guests had gone home - jp, you would have been so proud of me *sniff* ;o) funny moment of the night was when i beat out an innocent 7-year old girl in musical chairs... and then kept the chair for myself. :oP fortunately for her, she worked her voodoo magic and took vengeance on me when i got out in the next round. tee-hee :oP

... dang, i'm pooped.

tomorrow (today) is monday. ahhh yes, voting day in canada. after tomorrow, will i no longer see liberal reds, conservative blues, green party greens, and ndp oranges pasted all over the sides of busses, on people's lawns, in their windows, flashing on the tv, and on the radio... i'm on the fence about which party i should check off on my ballot tomorrow - seems like it's all the same, liberals bashing conservatives, conservatives bashing liberals, false promises, "cut this", "cut that", and thus the basic routine of political elections continues on. *sigh* decisions, decisions.

perhaps if one of the parties was smart enough to seriously take into consideration of adding the idea of extending the weekends by a few more days to their campaign platform, it just might be able to sway my vote.

... yep, but that's just all a matter of wishful thinking on my part :oP

the notebook: opening day

as promised, me, tess, and a couple of our other crazy friends went first thing and watched the notebook today. matinee show, 12:10pm. yep, we're crazy. but it was well worth it. it's been a while since i had a good cry over a sappy, mushy, love story, but then again i'm known for being quite sappy and mushy over most things... *sigh* the tears didn't seem to stop until the very end... of the credits. as if i didn't have enough respect and admiration for ryan gosling as an actor, it definitely went up a notch (well, it helps that he's also quite the mighty handsome fellow *wink wink*) - hmm. i need to find me a farmboy named noah from seabrook and my life will be complete. *double sigh* i think i'm in love :oP oy. now i want to go read the book.

well, i've been back home in 'sauga since thursday night, and so far, it's been nice to de-stress myself from all the essay writing and midterm cramming from the past 2 weeks. for the rest of the night, i plan on spending some time with the family, catching up on some VERY MUCH overdue gamecube action (now that we're 4 controllers complete) and watch carolina (starring julia stiles) - tess highly recommended this movie for the chickflick lover in me, so i'll probably blog about that later whenever i get around to it.

as for the rest of the weekend's adventures, it's all about gargantuan family reunions, grubbin' down some good filipino chow, 18th birthday celebrations with more celebratory grubbin', and of course, good times!

life is good again :o)

1650 words later...

current mood:


consider this me going on hiatus from being on hiatus...

i'm currently trying to find some deskspace so i can make some elbowroom for myself, but amidst the all the books, all the scattered papers, waterbottles and large tim horton's cups that used to be filled with french vanilla goodness, i'm finding it to be quite the struggle. as of now, my elbows are slipping as i type this blog entry.

so i'm a little stressed. can ya tell?

serves me right for holding out on these 2 essays that are supposedly due tomorrow (err.. later this afternoon) - but with last week's brain overload of midterms and essays, followed by this past weekend's events of distant family reunions, bbqs, dragonboat races, sunburns, head colds, father's day celebrations, and catching up with close friends, i've been *forced* (well, more sidetracked) to slightly alter what gets first priority (just a hint: it sure wasn't these essays :oP). of course, there's really no one to blame but myself and my desired ability to procrastinate. however, the night is still young, and i am determined to finish both essays by 6am tomorrow, and sleep till the cows come home afterwards (and of course manage to fit class in there somewhere if my REM sleep permits me).

to top it off, *SF is back unexpectedly and his antics are once again in full swing.

* sidenote: long story short, i'm not the least bit impressed. 3 weeks of complete and utter solitude are now nothing but just a sweet memory in my sleep-deprived mind.

i actually wasn't planning on blogging till tomorrow afternoon (charlene, i'm sorry. i cracked) once all this chaos is finally over and done with. but meh, as i've said before... old habits die hard.

happier days...

me and ("mama") esther at dragonboat post-tan, pre-burn :oD

lesson of the day: it physically hurts to write essays with a half-fried brain.

through a glass darkly

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

1 Corinthians 13:11-13 (KJV)

on hiatus.

realizing that i study and work much better and consistently without the internet, xbox, tv, kitchen, and telephone distracting me, i've also decided to take a little break from blogging for the rest of this week. that's right. for the next few days, no blogging. :o)

3 essays down.
2 more midterms to go.

but while i'm on here, i might as well add a lil sumpin' sumpin' (just cuz you know, everyone seems to be doing it!) before i fall completely back into hermit nerd mode:

How to make an estelle

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 3 parts silliness 3 parts empathy

Method: Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of lustfulness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

random thought: having your feet licked by gizmo the wonderdog is a very strange sensation to wake up to, especially if you're already disoriented and have no sense of time or space :oP

you know you've gone completely cuckoo for cocoapuffs when...

feelin' a little


i think i must have hit the books a little too hard this weekend, cuz i think i'm losing it.

on friday, i checked my visa bill, and i freaked out that out of my entire limit, i was down to only a little over $300.00 left in my account. this was quite strange, especially since i had already paid my bill way before the due date, and i hadn't used my visa card to pay for anything in the past month and a half. so, what do i do instead of trying to figure out what happened to all that money? i go ballistic and start panicking at the possibility that someone was taking money out of my account.

of course, there was that whole glitch with royal bank that happened at the beginning of june that could have also been a possibility, but while in my ballistic-ness, i was insistant upon the fact that someone was taking my money right under my nose.

yes, good one stella.

so my dad, who was now freaking out because of the fact that i was freaking out, (i tend to have that affect on people, apparently) decided to call the people at visa and figure stuff out (something i should have done in the first place).

... which brings us to today. once i get back in loo, my cell phone rings. my dad, on the other line, tells me that the $300 and then some that was in my visa account wasn't what was LEFT in my account, but was in my account ON TOP of my limit.

yup. i read my balance wrong.

so, instead of lacking money in my visa account, i actually have more than enough. yeeesh. what's even more classic estelle of me is that i kept paying the bill even when i was already at my limit for the past 2 months. yeesh. i'm feeling rather dumb right now, but on a positive note, i can go online shopping again.

crap.

maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to know that i have money.

poop.

well, maybe i can at least afford to dine in style tonight, now knowing that i can actually pay for it.

... wings anyone? ;o)

houston, we have a problem.

keepin'

(err, trying to)

i thought that by disciplining myself to stay home this fine saturday (err, now sunday), i would get a majority of my work done. yeesh, what was i thinking? with distractions from random friends dropping by, 6 or 7 phone calls (that each lasted for at least an hour), watching home videos with the family, and a bbq fiesta chez moi, it's been rather difficult to focus.

at least i got 3/4 of my 463 essay done. tomorrow it's onto the conclusion, and then go hardcore and start the one for 247. and THEN i study till the cows come home for my 2 midterms this coming week. woot! heh, this plan sounded so much more organized in my head. :oP

... i just realized i haven't bought the book i'm supposed to be reading for my rs 267 midterm. oops. ahhh well. monday it is.

ya know, all this ranting and blogging just isn't the same when you know most of your other friends are all free from the undergrad chains that used to bind them.

grr.

i miss my sanity.

boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!

as if that written on a t-shirt wasn't enough (with the rather funny primitive cartoon drawn to accompany it), Todd Goldman decided to take it one step further by making a collage of "reasons why boys are stupid"...



recently i was debating with a very adamant, blatantly gender-sensitive "friend" about these t-shirts. when i told him that another friend of mine wanted to purchase one of these t-shirts for me, he got offended at the fact that i would wear something so degrading to men. just to put things in context, this "friend" is the kind of person (dorkus moronus?) who would always be the first one to cat-call any woman with two legs on the street, and would treat them with less-than-gentleman-like behaviour. and he was taking such huge offense to me wearing a "boys are stupid, let's throw rocks at them" t-shirt?!

apparently Goldman's "artwork" has been causing quite the controversy among the male species that can't seem to handle silly, mindless/ful, over-the-edge humour. now, i'm not usually the one to demonstrate feminist behaviour and be all over this kind of thing, but i'm not sure what the big deal is. of course, being me, i made the common (not-so-common) mistake that the text on the t-shirt initially read "boys are stupid, let's kill them", and still got a laugh out of it, but that may be a different topic all on its own. but even after sharing this whole "boys are stupid" t-shirt concept with my own guy friends, they got a hoot out of it - some even thought it was genius. realistically, this whole "crossing the morally correct gender-line" idea shouldn't be a shock to us at all - especially since today's society's distinction between sexual attraction and sexual predation has been beclouded by the thick fog of popular culture. in saying that, if the media can easily refer to us women as hos and b!tches, us girls should at LEAST have the right to call boys stupid. :oP

i mean, come on. it's not like the man is selling rocks with his t-shirts (although, i would find that hilariously amusing if he did).

"patient complete."

yup, that's what it says on my orthodentic record! meaning, after 12 long years of enduring braces-three-fold-getting-off/on-again, wire adjustments, elastic wearing, power-chain fixing, reatainer wearing (well, that i'll probably never fully escape from), all the emotional trauma from the namecalling (ie: "braceface", "traintracks", "metalmouth", "wireface"), it can all be put to rest because i am finally free at last! ... unless of course my permanent retainer breaks, but hopefully that won't happen. *knock on wood*

i'm all smiles! :oD

new pointless fact: apparently the orthodentist office is a good place to pick-up. he wasn't quite 40, and he wasn't 4 - but dang, his teeth are gonna look so sexy once the head gear comes off ;o) when a guy comments on how nice your smile is at the orthodentist's office, you KNOW he's telling the truth ;oP unfortunately, i had to decline - it was an immediate turn-off when he interrupted my game of mariokart double-dash. never come in between a girl and her gamecube. ;o)

how stella got her groove back...

the night is still young, and i have transformed into a reading/editing machine. research phase 1 is well on the way, as i've finally decided what to focus my engl 463 and 247 essays on. during my break time(s) i've been able to edit 7 out of 9 doozies of 10 articles for toadlane (and i mean doozy in every sense of the word - eeps) well before my deadline, and even managed to fit in a watching of The Way We Were with Claudia (previously inspired by a Sex in the City episode) - it was your classic ill-fated love story, complete with civil yet charming ending ("Your girl is lovely, Hubbel" *followed by dramatic index finger hairsweep*). moral of the story: some people just aren't meant to be *sigh*.

phew. if i keep this up, i'll be able to get those essays done by monday morning (*cross fingers*), and still have at least 2 days to study for my 2 midterms next week. wooo hoo hoooo ... hoo! i'm not sure where all this sudden energy is coming from, probably from the ice cap i downed this morning for breakfast, but i'm likin' it lots! ;o)

possible note to self: drink more ice caps?

in the very soulful words of patti labelle, "i'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes. know where i’m goin’ and i know what to do. i tidied up my point of view. ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh i got a new attitude!" :oP

tomorrow's plan:
- continue reading, perhaps get a tan in the process ;o)
- make it to semiotics (only because we have a midterm on the following thursday)
- head back home to good ol' mississauga for a weekend of hard work and good times

side note: for all you crit-lit lovin' cats out there, we touched on edward said's "Orientalism" in Post-Colonial Lit this week - suffice to say, i felt rather smart in class ;o) S-M-R-T! (thank you 470a!)

almost 2 hours later...

Matthew 6:33-34

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

words of wisdom... :o)

breathing helps too. :oP

mental upchuck...

a month of procrastinating is finally taking its toll on me - *sigh* old habits die hard.

current mood:


the title of my blog says "...ready for anything" - ohhh, the irony! i have 3 essays, 2 midterms due in the next few days. my initial plan was to start "research phase 1" this week, but it's been a tad difficult due to the sad reality that i haven't even come close to finishing (err... starting?) any of the books/poems that i'm planning to use as material for those essays/midterms.

am i worried?
nope.

should i be?
probably.

i'm not really sure what it is about my desire (or rather, lack thereof) to keep motivated this term - it just doesn't seem to be working. and now that we're finally having gorgeous weather of 25+ degrees celsius, instead of keeping my head in the books, i find myself frequently daydreaming of weekend roadtrips to montreal, bbqs, family camping trips, playing beach volleyball, and soaking up the sun.

i keep telling myself i need to get my priorities straight - yeeesh. easier said than done.

for a while now, i haven't exactly been myself - i mean, as much as the cheery disposition holds out, i’ve actually been feeling rather “ruttish” especially these past few days. realizing that i only really have one more school term after this one before i graduate, i'm faced with the overwhelming truth that i really have no idea what i'm doing afterwards. and i know what some of you might be thinking, oh stella’s once again gone and ventured off into the wonderful world of thinking too much and too far ahead. really, 8 months isn’t long enough of a stride till i say so long to my undergrad years. my short-term plan was to go into full-time service in overseas missions for at least a year, but then what? do i continue with missions? do i join the workforce and spend the rest of my life trying to find a decent job and become just another statistic? do i go back to school and upgrade my post-post-secondary education? do i take some time off to travel and absorb all the cultures and diversity the world has to offer? or should i just contentedly make a living in the streets and subways of toronto playing my flute for small change? (scary enough, i actually have considered the last option) - my mind is going completely wonky with all these options, and what i find so absurd is that while everyone else seems to have some kind of life-outline, i'm just confuzzled by it all.

along with my mental adventures of overthinking and analyzing, i'm also confronted with other obstacles. i received my confirmation package from Educational Services International today for my teaching position in vietnam for the fall. apparently by the end of august, i need to come up with a whopping $2790, plus one-way airfare from Vietnam, as well as airfare to Cali for my 3-day training - how i'm going to raise all that money in less than 3 months is beyond me, especially since i'm living the cost-efficient life of a university student. i'm leaning towards finding a part-time job, but in contrast to what my blogs may lead other people to believe, i actually do have a fair amount of school work on my hands, and a job might completely send me over the top. in addition, my own insecurities and low self-esteem issues all seem to be on a bombarding frenzy. so here i am, sitting beside myself, not knowing what the next step should be. but i guess that's the beauty of faith - you just gotta believe. there are just some things in life that are completely out of my control. of course, my stubbornness and tendency to be impatient love to tell me otherwise, but ultimately things will go according to plan - not on my schedule, but God's.

*sigh* even this "rut" too shall pass.

oy... i know, i know. less ranting, more studying :oP

Birds of Passage

My passport still lies open before me, tempting me to embark on imaginary journeys. The past sits heavily in my stomach. Shan's journal, inextricably entwined in mine, strengthens my fragile sensitivity.

Oh, I admit that I suffered from feelings of persecution. Voices taunted me, shadows pursued me with cleavers. Reason was the only mainstay of my sensitivity. Once the boundaries of reason were crossed, sensitivity ran amuck. The imagination had a secret way through the boarder. 'Stay away from strong imagination', the doctor once told me. The imagination always forced me to act. Once that happened, reason collapsed as easily as unstrung chicken wire.

Perhaps this explains why I carry these small slips of yellow paper around with me, neatly sandwiched in contact plastic. They protect me from paranoia. They are my raison d’être. I know they are not fiction.

from Brian Castro's Birds of Passage

teppanyaki = yummy!

our talented chef of the evening (dang, there's just
something about a guy in a chef's hat and an apron ;oP)


"baby" casa :o)
top (l-r): ed, tim, me, kevin, wilkins
bottom (l-r): audrey, claudia, teresa, susan

it was a casa mini-reunion at "taste of japan" in markham for teresa's surprise birthday party. my first time dining teppanyaki, and sure enough, not to be my last. our chef was probably one of the most entertaining people i've ever met, or probably will ever meet in my entire lifetime. not only was he dashing with his cooking utensils, he was pretty dang hilarious. from the egg fry chuck/toss to the fried rice bowl juggling, he was quite the talented man - and the flames that rose from the beautiful onion mountains were just a phenomenon in itself - i think i probably ooohed and ahhhed more than i drooled over the delectably scrumptious food... garlic shrimp, scallops, vegetables, bean sprouts, fried rice, maki rolls, and teriyaki chicken all sizzled to perfection, followed by green tea ice cream AND birthday cake for dessert. mmmmm... it was painful, but much enjoyed. :oP

and as tradition, it wouldn't have been a complete reuinion without ending the evening with a few good laughs over bubbletea. *burp* wowsas. oy. if i continue eating like this i'm going to pretty much look like a tapioca ball by the end of this term.

looks like stella's gonna be hitting the gym double time this week :oS ... but not until AFTER wings with the coops on monday night... err. well, maybe i'll kick into double time after my midterm/essay week, instead. hmm.

stella's updated weekend score:
procrastination = 1
productivity = 0

(doh.)

tgif

it's beginning to look (and feel) a lot like summer... finally!

"turn the beat around."

joannie, claudia, and me: ready to salsa the night away...

a bunch of us put on our dancing shoes and headed over to the flying dog for some hot salsa-ing good times (which was definitely a nice change of atmosphere from fed hall or rev). it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be (well sure, the free lessons helped a *little* lol) - a bit of hip shakin', a spin here and there, with the occasional "salsa staredown", and we were pretty much tearin' up the dancefloor... well, once we got past the "counter-clockwise" turn - that was a doozy the first 2 or maybe 4 times around :oP

when in doubt, just keep spinning. ;o)

funny moment(s) of the night - after my partner left for the evening, not too long after, i found myself becoming quite popular with the 30-40 year old men at the club. most of them were actually pretty nice and sociable - and boy, could they dance! though i must admit, it got a little creepy when one of them started dishing out the cheesy pick-up lines while flinging me across the dancefloor.

highlighted lines of the evening (and i only wish i was joking, folks):
- "wow, is it getting hot in here, or is it just you?"
- "did you hurt yourself? ... when you fell from heaven? because when i first saw you walk into the room, i thought you were an angel sent from above."
- "you owe me a drink. because when i saw your beauty, you made me drop mine."

ergh. less talking, more dancing please! ;o)
(do guys really think these lines work on women?!)

*sigh* ... exhausted and all salsa'd out, we then dragged ourselves over to bubbletease and ended up amusing ourselves with card games for the rest of the night. my new mission is to beat everyone at slapjack and "7 levels of pig" (trust me, its chinese name sounds more elegant - according to claudia :oP).

and so ended yet another wild and crazy adventure in the 'loo.

t'was nothing but wonderful times. wonderful, indeed! :o)

peace and quiet: such beautiful words.

it's gonna be rather quiet over in the land of clayfield 11 for the next three weeks, and i'm planning on savouring every minute of it. :o)

eventful.

had a few hours to kill before my 6:30 class, so i decided to drive down to elmira and visit an old friend from back in the days of Mitra/Agfa (previous co-op terms) - 8 months ago she had a baby boy and it was the first time i got to see him. kinda reminded me of the gerber baby, except more chubby, and of course, cuter :oP. what was only supposed to be an hour and a half lunch lasted for a good 4 and a half hours. definitely good times - there was just so much to catch up on. and as an added bonus, i never knew grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup could taste so good ;o) yummy! hmm. for those four hours, it seemed like all was right in the world - no drama, no distractions, no worries. driving past all the acres of farmland, grazing cows and horses was actually pretty peaceful - something that i don't normally get to see while back in 'sauga or anywhere else in TO. i think i'll make a note to myself to visit there more often. :o)

on the way back to waterloo, a few songs came on the radio that triggered a few memories from elementary and high school - *double sigh*... and so the nostalgia begins once again. :oP

random thought: i really want to see "the notebook" (tess, we are so seeing that movie!)

tonight's agenda:
- sleep early to help get rid of this cold (again)

tomorrow's agenda:
- drive around waterloo doing errands
- meet up with some of my favourite agfitrian coops for lunch at bomber
- possibly probably skip semiotics (what a bum course!)
- salsa the night away at the flying dog

woot!

claudia is a poo.

so i'm in my room, chatting away on msn when claudia sends me this link.

next thing i know i'm screaming my lungs out in complete horror and claudia's laughing her pretty little head off in the next room, with the satisfaction of knowing that she succeeded in scaring the heebeegeebees out of me.

stupid beer commercials.

i am not amused.

the song in my head.

hand in my pocket
alanis morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken sh!t
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
What it all comes down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

the one who got away.

current mood:


i saw the finale of "the one that got away" last night - thankfully my first and last time watching it. basic scheme of things: an "unscripted" reality show about a young dude who gathers up some of his exes and past flames and puts them into this huge southern mansion for x number of days, where he attempts to find "the one that got away". it reminded me of "the bachelor" except for the fact that all the women were somehow... "recycled". tonight's finale show was down to 2 of his cherished exes - he ended up picking his most recent ex, the one that he shared a love/hate relationship with ... meh.

disclaimer: this blog may contain material that may be a little too thoughtful / personal / perhaps even longwinded as a result of PMS and estrogen overload. reader discretion is advised. (it was only a matter of time, folks.)

didn't really care much for the show, though i was rather amused by its objective. i guess everyone has their own story about "the one who got away". after talking to a good friend early yesterday afternoon about past relationships and the long enduring process of "getting over it", the rest of the day seemed to revolve around that theme and as usual, i kept thinking about it, probably more than i really should have (also the random bumping into my own old flames and exes later that day didn't really help me much either - yeeeesh). so, i began to think about my own past relationships - boyfriends, crushes, and the like - and then i tried to determine who i considered as "the one who got away". his name was matthew and he was in my class in grade 6 - he had the most amazing hazel eyes, a great sense of humour, and there was a point in time where i seriously thought i was going to marry him (yes, i know... pretty hardcore for grade 6). dang. i think i probably liked him for a good 5 years before i finally realized that it just wasn't meant to be... our "official" relationship lasted one entire lunch recess - the best hour of my life. i think he was probably the only ex i've ever really maintained a (healthy) lasting friendship with... (strangely enough, john mayer's "back to you" just popped on my itunes right at this very moment - weird!) ...of course, with going separate ways because of high school and then university, our friendship eventually diffused - but somehow i still find myself still thinking about him once in a while...

i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, especially in the relationships department. i admit that my track record of past relationships, including friendships that have gone awry due to crushes gone wrong, has indeed been far from perfect - in fact, some have been quite dysfunctional. but i think in such situations, you can either do one of two things: hit rock bottom, or keep on truckin'. there's probably a good reason why i'm not mrs. matthew something-or-other right now, and maybe even a better reason as to why he got away when he did. i think alexander graham bell put it nicely when he said, "when one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

sure, there are times when even i fall victim to "staring at the closed door" in hopes that it'll perhaps magically open again - then eventually reality kicks in and i realize how foolish it would be to just keep on staring at it. i've been told that i tend to do this because i like to "play it safe" out of fear of opening other doors. and i see that partly true, the other reason being that a part of me tends to see things through this romantic haze and i get my hopes up easily (which i think has rather left me jaded in the process)... i think that when some of us think about "the one who got away", we often tend to dwell on what could have been more than being contented with what's already there, or even what opportunities may lie ahead.

looking back i think i've actually closed more doors than opened in my past, and in turn have even been labelled "the one who got away" to some (*sigh*), but my good friend pointed out yesterday that life has a funny way of always working out. and it couldn't be any closer to the truth. because even as vicious as the cycle of matters of the heart goes, there will always be a time when everything is good again - it just takes a matter of time and patience to get through the poopie parts of it all.