where the experience ends, the writing begins.

2005-01-08T03:35:00.000-05:00

ooops! i did it again!

... take 4

2004-08-30T23:02:00.000-04:00

a few more hours, and i'm blowin' this popsicle stand!

i've packed, re-packed, realized i forgot that i packed a few things in the wrong suitcase, re-packed again, and now i'm done. :o)

looks like this is it! no turning back...

hope you all have a pleasant fall! i'll be thinking of y'all while in vietnam and please do keep in touch. this blog is officially (temporarily) out of service. you can keep up with my crazy antics in cali and vietnam on my new blog: vietblog2004

see y'all in january!

luv,
estelle

2004-08-29T23:17:00.000-04:00

2 more days.

wow. said my goodbyes at church today... hmmm. i keep telling myself "it's only 4 months... 4 months... almost 12 weeks... that's it" - my friends have told me the first time really leaving home is always the hardest. dang. how true... my little cousin hope gave me the biggest, tightest, longest hug, and if it wasn't for the fact that she was cutting off my circulation and air supply, i probably would have shed a tear or 10 :oi

... so now i'm packing - err... started :o) actually taking a slight break at the moment. i also think i'm coming down with something... at first, i thought it might have been allergies, but as of today my throat has been feeling rather "ticklish". not good. i guess it also doesn't help much that my sleeping patterns have gone beyond nocturnal... yikes! but oy... in a matter of a couple of days, this blog will be temporarily defunct for the next 4 months - i'm in the process of creating a blog for my trip :o)

but for now, i must now go back and turn myself in to a mean, not-so-lean packing machine... WOOT!

2004-08-28T02:08:00.000-04:00

they got me.

yeesh.

she who laughs last...

... also ends up wearing mud on her face.

*sigh*

ahh well. at least my pores are clean ;o)

sidenote: notice the Miss Saigon shirt i'm sporting... hehe!

2004-08-28T01:20:00.000-04:00

no! not the facemasks!!

the big hfbc youth finale sleep-over: charlene and reymond are currently wrestling with the epilady (hmm. quite the scary contraption), and sankara is tying up his long dark locks in the room next door in preparation for his first facial mask, while i'm in hiding...

OHHHH CRAP!!! NOOO!!! THEY'VE FOUND ME!!! AHHHHHHHH!! lkjleawuiojdfklsj..!!

2004-08-27T14:51:00.000-04:00

recap.

me and my cousin charlene "pre-concert" :D

"keep smiling... keep shining. knowing you can always count on me... for sure. that's what friends are foooooooor"

edith and farle: the stars of the show. notice the powerpoint screen in the background... throughout the whole night of the concert, at several moments hesed thought it would be "cute" to have my mugshot spinning around on an axis... ya know, like a rotisserie chicken ... thanks :oP

jasiel, me, auntie lisa, and christine - it's ALL about the hat, baby!

me and jacrise - once again... the HAT!

anything for the girls - jasiel, janelle, and me during our last-minute "improv" skit for the youngins...

"you'll be happy, you'll be happy, YOU'LL BE HAPPY!!!"

yeah sure. they all LOOK behaved...

the leaders at the fountain: "keep the candle burning!" (of course, we were only "pretending" to blow it out... hehe)

our attempt at the "flower-heads" shot... :o)

2004-08-27T12:10:00.000-04:00

so much to do, so little time...

my social life has somehow managed to increase by at least 85% in the past week and a half. when i had said that this was going to be a whirlwind of a month, i sure wasn't kidding - in fact, it's been quite the understatement. getting everything together for this trip, running around doing last-minute housekeeping shtuff, chumming it up with friends and family, and even rekindling old friendships *sigh* (kris, why is it that the time i finally DO get to see you, i'm leaving in less than a week?!) have all kept me beyond busy and occupied - i haven't even begun to pack yet! i think i'd be in much better shape if there were 48 hours in the day, but such is life, and i must make do with what time i have left in this country ;o)

disclaimer: prepare for extreme bloggage.

since i've last blogged...

friday & saturday (20 & 21) - as a fundraising project for my missions trip to vietnam, my church hosted a concert on each night, starring two fabulous filipino singers who flew all the way down from texas to help us out. and our choir, of which the trained-vocalist in me had initial doubts about on thursday's practice, was pleasantly surprised at the finished product. as i expected, i came close to making niagara falls look like a wet napkin during my thank-you speech, but i avoided it ever-so-gracefully. and of course, my family, knowing that there wouldn't be enough time to cook with all the festivities happenin' all over the place, decided it would be smart to pre-cook enough food to last us an entire lifetime (who knew leftovers could taste so good!) *burp* :oD to my long-lost-friends who completely surprised me by showing up for moral support, you guys rock!

sunday (22) - what do you get with 14 pre-pubescent females, 5 youth leaders, and a whole lotta sugar? a whole lotta screaming, giggling, and good times :oP jasiel, jacrise, janelle, charlene and i - the ates (pron. ah-tehs, meaning "big sisters" in tagalog) - rounded up the 7-13 year old girls of our church and hosted our very first "God's Girls Night" mini-retreat at the j-sisters' house in sweet home ala-brampton. the agenda included a skit performed by the leaders (which involved me as a filipino lindsay lohan from "mean girls"), a lot of open sharing and discussion time, a moonlight walk and penny-toss at the oh-so-cool brightly-lit fountain, and an early-morning linedancing session before breakfast - the girls even had a "notebook signing" trade-off at the end of it. *sigh* wish i had something like that when i was 13... thankfully, the girls were adorable, and surprisingly well-behaved during most of the night and the morning... well, until the chocolate chip cookies came out fresh from the oven. then struck utter chaos. our initial plan was to tire them out before midnight... but apparently they managed to stay up later than we did, and out-wake us in the morning. dang nabbit. two things i've realized from this whole experience is that 1) i'm definitely not as limber nor as energetic as i used to be when i was 13, and 2) i know for a fact that one day i would love to have kids of my very own...

monday (23) - dinner with livi at karma: a new restaurant that just opened in 'sauga that serves both indian and chinese cuisine. absolutely delicious!

tuesday (24) - trekked back up to waterloo with tess, and to have lunch with good ol' johnny-boy before he heads out to k-dot for his masters. we found ourselves at the koh-i-noor restaurant on phillip street (mmm... more indian food!), which was then followed by more good times and conversation over gelatos somewhere along king street (good call, jon!). 'twas quite an adventure all on its own, but as always, 'twas great times. however, i must admit i'm slightly disappointed at the fact that i'll be missing out on the busker carnival happening on the 26th to the 29th on king street... especially after jon's scolding at me for not having been even at least once, in all my 4 years living in waterloo... yeeesh. and the broadway-filled hour-drive back to 'sauga with tess was just icing on the cake. i'll have to add that to the list of all the other things i'm gonna be missing out on while i'm gonna be gone... *sigh*
tuesday night found me in downtown toronto, meeting up with claudia, edmond, joannie, bikin, and wilkins for a generic farewell dinner at salad king on yonge street - best thai food i've had in a LONG time. i felt pretty proud of myself for overcoming the spicy goodness of the food. the night continued with our crew's usual indecisiveness, in trying to figure out what movie to watch, and what theatre to watch it in. realizing that neither of us knew where we were going after 1/2 hour of walking along yonge street, and after bikin further realized that he was in dire need of a bathroom, we decided to end the evening with bubbletea, ice cream, and waffles at 168 teashop...

wednesday (25) - more eating. at this point i feel like i've literally gained 10 pounds in a matter of days. but i remain a happy fat cat. kitty and ryan were so kind enough to take me out to lunch at the kabuki sushi restaurant in north york. once again, faboo times and delicious food... great thanks to kitty to reminding me about the chicken flu outbreak currently happening in vietnam, in which i have received further updates that the chickens have now given it to the cows... hmm. so much for eating meat while i'm over there. who knows, i may come back home a vegan just yet ;o)

thursday (26) - driving all around mississauga and shopping for the bare necessities, and ending the day off with our last waterloo + alumni girls gathering of the year at livi's house in good ol' o-town/o-dot (oakville :oD). 'twas an evening of baking goodness, our usual pig-out sessions (MORE eating!), new memories made, and the When Harry met Sally dvd. i was pleasantly surprised by the array of cards and gifts that were given me by the bestest chicas in the world... *sniff* i plan to put them all to good use while in vietnam - once i break out the roll-out cartoon map of canada and exhibit the mounty postcards to my students, WHILE sporting my brand new bumble-bee-yellow "emergency poncho" (which will come very useful since i'll be coming right smack in the middle of rain/monsoon season), they won't know what hit 'em ;o) - i have been warned by "mama" esther that the card she wrote me has a 90% possibility of making me cry... so i have decided to put off reading it until saturday... :o) *nostalgic sigh* these girls will definitely be a contributing factor to my homesickness in the next 4 months...

friday (today) - a final goodbye breakfast with ryan at the golden griddle in the AM, i've got a praise rally in the PM as a celebration of reaching our financial goal and of course, some good, wholesome worship - also something that i know i'll be missing out on while i'm 'nam... 'twill be my last time giving a sermon/message for the year too - yowsas! after the rally the whole hfbc youth crew will be heading off to ate b's place for a send-off slumber party, where sleep will probably not even be an option (as if it ever is when it comes to these things... tee-hee)

... and it's far from over - saturday and sunday will be also uber hectic - family bbqs and such... and yes, i must also start packing. *sigh* my life has definitely been quite the rollercoaster ride in the past few days. hard to believe that i'm only going for 4 months... but from the past week and a half, i've received more than enough love and support to last me an entire lifetime... so, without getting any more sappy than the past few days have lead me to be, THANK YOU - i've been saying these words a lot especially in the past few days, but these are two words that just can't be expressed enough. y'all sure know how to make a girl feel special ;o) ... not to mention making the act of leaving more emotionally difficult than it should be *sniff* but all sappy and emotional goodness aside, i've never been more ready to start this new chapter in my life... and that, my dear friends, deserves a resounding WOOT!

2004-08-19T00:34:00.000-04:00

pocket aces

there's nothing better than spending a lazy wednesday evening bbqing in the rain and playing poker till midnight with some fine good people - 'twas a mini-gathering of waterloo folk over at ryan's tonight. and gee... for someone who has absolutely no idea about anything remotely related to poker, i did pretty well tonight, considering i won two games straight - it actually took me a while to get a grasp on all the poker lingo, and even longer to learn that you're not supposed to smile and giggle whenever you're bluffing (i have really got to work on that!), but claudia and edmond proved themselves to be quite the gurus of the game... now the question is: would i ever play for money? hehe probably not, but if you ever wanna play for plastic, i'm all in! :oD

2004-08-18T15:57:00.000-04:00

just because i can...

[my name is]: estelle ann gonzales
[in the morning I am]: ... still awake
[love is]: never-failing.
[if I could see one person right now]: my grandpa
[I'm afraid of]: needles
[i dream about]: ... the weirdest things (ask me about it, and i'll tell ya some stories)

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R ?
[been in love]: nope - it was just my imagination running away with me...
[cried when someone died]: yes
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: yep.
[drank alcohol]: yes
[lied]: uh-huh
[fallen for your best friend]: nope
[had sex]: nope
[been pregnant]: err... not that i know of :oP
[been rejected]: many a time...
[rejected someone]: also many a time...
[been cheated on]: if i was then he sure fooled me.
[done something you regret]: ... no.

W I T H - T H E - O P P O S I T E - S E X ?
[what do you notice first?]: eyes
[he could definitely be a keeper if...]: he's christian
[worst turn off]: when they think with what's down there instead of with what's on top
[worst thing to say to him]: "i think of you like my own brother..."
[worst thing ever said to you]: "you'd be perfect if only you lost a few pounds" ...
[scruff or clean shaven]: hehe i'm all up for the scruff (within reason of course :oP)
[tall or short]: tall please! if the guy was any shorter than me, it'd be pretty sad...

W H O ?
[makes you laugh the most?]: my brother
[makes you smile]: my friends and family
[do you have a crush on]: ... nice try. ;o)
[has a crush on you?]: ... *sigh* let's not get into that.
[easier to talk to: boys or girls?]: depends on what you're talking about ;o)

W H O - W A S - T H E - L A S T - P E R S O N ?
[hugged]: my mom
[you instant messaged]: livi
[you laughed with]: tess

D O - Y O U ?
[color your hair]: sure do!
[habla espanol]: si, pero yo sólo hablo un poco

E T C.
[do you smoke?]: nope...
[are you obsessive?]: not really
[could you live without the computer?]: hehe i would like to think i could ;o)
[how many peeps are on you buddylist?]: 2134876972139746293764976238423 :oP
[what's your favorite food?]: everything except coconut flavoured couscous
[what's your favorite fruit?]: mango
[which hurts the most, physical pain or emotional pain?]: definitely emotional.
[trust others way too easily?]: hmm. not so much anymore.

F I N A L - Q U E S T I O N S
[i want]: to travel accross canada on a motorcyle!
[i wish]: all the fat jokes would stop...
[i need]: to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin
[i love]: being happy
[i desire]: peace of mind
[i strive]: to succeed
[i understand]: everyone is different
[i feel]: sometimes insignificant
[i avoid]: crying in front of people
[i try]: to always put everyone else first
[i speak]: too much at times
[i write]: to escape
[i am]: sometimes too judgmental of others
[i learn]: too many of life's lessons at once
[i miss]: sleeping in
[i fear]: complete vulnerability
[i hear]: the fan of my computer
[i wonder]: why i bothered to fill this out in the first place...
[i believe]: in Jesus
[i know]: that this survey is far from over...

F I R S T S
[first real best friend]: sharon in second grade
[first real memory]: my 4th birthday party where i wished for a lot of smurfs so i could tie them up with rope before blowing the candles (... don't ask!)
[first car]: ever? red '91 toyota corolla... of my own? black 2001 nissan sentra
[first date]: grade 6 with matthew norris, walking around the playground during lunch recess :o)
[first real kiss]: cory jones during "truth or dare" at lena's 14th birthday party (not at ALL the way i expected it to be...)
[first real break-up]: varun before frosh week
[first screen name]: saugapnai
[first self-purchased album]: cyndi lauper & new kids on the block
[first pet]: fishies... until my brother poured pepsi into their fish tank
[first piercing]: ears
[first big trip]: Philippines in '90
[first play/musical/performance]: the phantom of the opera
[first music you remember hearing in your house]: the soundtrack to the sound of music

L A S T S
[last cigarette]: don't smoke
[last car ride]: today on my way home from the bank
[last good cry]: 2 weeks ago
[last kiss]: my mom before i went to bed last night
[last movie seen in theatres]: maria full of grace
[last book bought]: an anthology of poetry around the world
[last book read]: ibid.
[last beverage drank]: water
[last food consumed]: yogurt
[last phone call]: tess
[last tv show watched]: while you were out
[last shoes worn]: black flip flops
[last cd played]: my mixed cd
[last item bought]: snapple peach iced tea
[last annoyance]: the fire alarm going off in my house while reading
[last disappointment]: getting back my english 247 marks
[last ice cream eaten]: mango tango from baskin robins :oD
[last shirt worn]: black v-neck tank top
[last words spoken]: "i'm sorry, mr. and mrs. gonzales are unavailable at the moment, would you like to leave a message?"
[last webpage visited]: http://www.blogger.com

2004-08-17T04:07:00.000-04:00

thank you, Lord.

i am so

perpetual blessings.

the icing on the cake: when i first started the ball rolling with this whole decision to partake in missions, money was definitely a huge issue - so huge of an issue that i had slight doubts that we wouldn't have enough financial support in time before i left... not even a week ago were we even a quarter-way close to reaching our goal. but while i was getting ready for bed, my mom walked into my room to tell me the most amazing news i've been waiting and praying my hardest for these past few months: "... money is going to be the least of your problems" - music to my ears. :o) apparently my parents had been networking through their friends and the rest of the family, and they were so touched by my desire to serve overseas that they all wanted to help pitch in... i am so thankful for all the love and encouragement i've been receiving these past few months from my family and friends. finally it feels like things are starting to pull together :o) and really, the only word i can use to describe how i feel at this very moment is... blessed.

God is definitely good.

... and somehow, after today, things seem somehwhat less scary now. :o)

We live by faith, and not by sight.
2 Corinthians 5:7

2004-08-17T02:19:00.000-04:00

summertime, and the livin' is easy...

feelin'

my keychain feels so much lighter now that i've said my bittersweet goodbye to my past living experience at wcri - i finally handed back the keys for good ol' clayfield 11-3 to maintenance bob for the last time EVER, and i don't intend on ever looking back. :o) words just cannot describe the utter happiness i felt once those keys were taken from me. it's over!

while up in the loo, i managed to make a few rounds of fond farewells to some good people still bummin' around the area - starting with my "favourite daughter" teresa... catching up on our very-much-missed-and-long-overdue mother-daughter chats over triple-scoop gelatos (*drool*), strolling up and down king street, while accompanied by the wonderful late afternoon sun, all made the evening just simply fabulous. there's nothing like a good heart-to-heart chat and a myriad of filipino jokes (with the accent ob course!) to put a smile on my face. i came thisclose to buying The Notebook on paperback, but with all the strength within me, i disciplined myself in putting my foot down and decided that i'll continue looking for the hardcover edition without ryan gosling's face plastered all over the cover... (tess, if you're reading this, i hope you're not *too* shocked :oP) - the night ended with a special request from teresa for me to re-enact the "morning of the dragon" dance scene (complete with red streamers) from Miss Saigon up and down the streets of Ho Chi Minh City during my trip... er. anything for my daughter... :oP (maybe. lol) mama's gonna miss you chica...

a hop, skip and a jump later, i find myself at jared's place to determine our plans for dinner. wanting to satisfy our cravings for pho, we embarked on what seemed to be an endless quest to find the address of the Pho Ben Thanh Viet-Thai Restaurant in cambridge... after calling a few numbers off of jared's phonelist including his grandma and uncle just to get the directions to the restaurant, we finally realize once we get there that the name of the restaurant wasn't actually Ben Thanh, but Viet-Thai Ben Thanh - which in hindsight made perfect sense as to why we couldn't find it in the phonebook in the first place... yeesh - technicalities :oP but nonetheless, our effort and hardcore determination to find the place was fortunately not in vain, because the food was amazing - and as usual, jared ate more than he bargained for ;o) it's been quite a while since we've had a good wholesome chat session, so the time spent with the j-dude (and his willingness to sacrifice precious hours of sleep) was much appreciated (nailclipper or no nailclipper :oP) - nothing but good times, as always. the "wry grin" will definitely be missed ;o)

... and after waiting in 2hr traffic on the 401 while driving back from waterloo, i'm finally home... happily pooped and feelin' just dandy.

2004-08-16T00:33:00.000-04:00

rambles.

current mood:

... in less than 3 weeks, at this same time i will be on a plane somewhere over the pacific ocean. at precisely 3pm this afternoon, the reality of it all finally sank in. all it really took was one too many "are you ready?" questions at church today... dang. it was like a chain reaction of reality checks... eeeps. and no, i'm far from ready at this point, but i have a feeling it's definitely going to be a whirlwind of whatever's left of this month. slightly overwhelmed, and in search for a little serenity and inner peace.

i've also decided to keep a journal of all the thoughts and ramblings running through my head starting from now and throughout the rest of my trip. i just finished my first entry, and the full 6-pager was proof that i had a lot to release :oP hmm. i seem to be more complicated than i originally thought. *suspenseful music - dum dum dummmm*

it's been 3 years since i've kept a journal, and i've actually forgotten how therapeutic it is to write everything down - there's just something about the moment where all the mental vomit just spills out of your head without any interruption or distraction once that pen makes contact with the paper. it's a perfect way for me to unload the contents of my brain, and yet still be able to maintain the illusion that i'm completely sane and coherent on the surface. :oS and as much as i don't mind having most of my life's mediocrities on display for all of cyberspace to see, there are really just some things that are better left "unblogged" :oP

*sigh* once again i quote clementine from Eternal Sunshine, "I'm just a [messed] up girl looking for my own peace of mind..."

i guess the best way to know peace is to first learn how to let go...

2004-08-15T01:36:00.000-04:00

let the festivities begin...

feelin'

the past 4.5 days have been far from quiet.

girly-girl gab/sapfests, sleepovers galore, movie madness till the break of dawn (read: early morning twilight), crit-kid ruckus in the streets of downtown toronto, FINALLY moving everything out of wcri, and slightly feeling the symptoms of insomnia...

life is wonderful again :o)

2004-08-12T04:31:00.000-04:00

farewell 4a...

as i push the stapler down onto the little stack of paper that is my semiotics essay, i let out a long deep sigh of relief and exhaustion... i'm finally done.

2004-08-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

peachy keen

finally

engl 463 was quite the doozy, but i am DONE. finito with exams. WOOT! semiotics still has an essay hanging over my head, however as far as i'm concerned, i'm done. :o) tee-hee! *cartwheels*

also, an eency weency change in vietnam flight plans - i'll be leaving from the good ol' toronto pearson airport to LA on august 31 at 8:15am, spend 3 days training in sunny pasadena, and then fly off to vietnam from LA on september 3rd. i'll be arriving back to LA on december 31, to then take the next flight out to toronto sometime after 5pm - and if that doesn't work, looks like i'll be stuck spending new years in a dorm room at William Carey University, and taking the next flight out to toronto the following day. *overwhelmed sigh* whew. that's a lotta flying... i'm kinda - well, perhaps a semitone above "kinda" - bummed that this'll be my first christmas (and possibly new years) away from friends and family, but thankfully it hasn't shaken my excitement of getting out there on my own... surprisingly the actual fact that i'm leaving in less than a month hasn't hit me yet. i mean, i know it's coming, but i'm just at the *nod and smile* stage of it all - it probably won't hit me until i'm on that plane, waving goodbye to my family while watching the airport and all of the people on the runway slowly shrink to ant-size as the plane takes off... whoa.

plans for the rest of the summer: amidst all the packing up and moving out from waterloo, concert fundraiser/praisenight/camp planning/practicing/performing, veitnam prepping, and catching up on some good liesure reading, i plan on relaxing and spending some quality time with as many friends and family members as i can before i board that plane. :oD

2004-08-08T21:47:00.000-04:00

hello soup bun!

... yes. the above sentence has been officially declared as my sole pick-up line for when i go to vietnam by the lovely ladies of the agfitrian coop crew - being that they're the only 3 words i know how to say in the language at this point :oP "JAO PHO BANH BAO!" - all single and hot viet rice farmers beware... stella's gonna be on the prowl ;oD (no... not really.)

once again, good times all around with the core coop crew minus the roadbeast and plus andy (kara, i hope we didn't scare him too much!) over at the outback steakhouse in celebration of adrienne's 22nd birthday and jared's birthday-to-be -- of who i must add, looks awesome (and very youthful) for 45 ;o). BLOOMIN' good times indeed! though, i was slightly disappointed at the size of our onion (which was smothered in nothing but seasoned, greasy, batter-y goodness) considering i expected it to look like the picture on the menu - it was bigger than the man and his jeep (read: "Land Rover", which is apparently also a kangaroo according to mark) - heck, now THAT was a big onion, bloomin' in all its glory **just a sidenote to those of you who seem rather confused at the inside jokes mentioned in this entry: you just had to be there** from the "beef/potatoes/ice cream/steak/butter/bread in a bag" and "yellow ice cream/ice cream-filled deep fried lizards" jokes, to andy's failed sarcasm of how "the bloomin' onion bloomin' sucked", 'twas a fabulous night ... and as agfitrian coop troop tradition, the infamous j-lo video made its birthday rounds once again and this time found itself in the parsley-stained clutches of mr. penner. *sigh* at this rate, we'll never get to watch it - which now that i think of it, is probably more of a good thing than a bad thing :oP

coop proverb of the night: an english major who builds her beer coaster house on ceramic plate is like the man who built his house on the sand. however, a cs major who builds his beer coaster house on mashed potatoes is like the man who built his house on the rock. (err... yes.)

and now, back to my regularly scheduled study session. :oP

... but not before we dress edmond up as a princess *evil grin*
(don't ask.)

2004-08-08T03:05:00.000-04:00

the downward spiral starts here.

slightly

i have decided that there just aren't enough days in a year to be able to do everything i want and a half, and manage to fit sleep into the schedule.

first weekend i actually stay up in waterloo, and i'm in full-nerd mode. but amidst all the exam cramming and writing, somehow i found myself back in sauga yesterday (saturday) morning attending a goodbye breakfast for the lovely miss sharon - our last "fab four" (sharon, joannie, mindy, et moi) reunion for what seems to be a lifetime... after 3 goodbye send-off parties in the past week, she's finally makin' her way to the wonderful cornfields of iowa state tomorrow afternoon. the fab 4 just 'aint gonna be the same without her :o( no worries though, plans of visitation are already in the creative brainstorming process :oD

and among the busy-ness of yesterday, i laid yet another course to rest after writing my rs 221 final in cut time. 2 down, one more to go. yowsas. in dual celebration of that and claudia's birthday, a herd of us headed down to hannah's bella bistro on princess street - very cozy atmosphere, delectably scrumptious food, and the live jazz was wonderful. all part of a nice, healthy study break...

... which brings me to now. just came back from a 2.5 hour hardcore ~~study~~ sleep session at rch. i guess my 4-day-sleep-deprived body finally decided to put its foot down. *sigh* sad as it may seem, it was one of the best sleeps i've had in a long while :o)

tomorrow's (today's) agenda includes a breakfast date with a few good fellow wcri people at mel's, followed by yet another study session, and then a dinner break with the famous agfitra coop crew at the good ol' outback steakhouse for long-overdue good times that will hopefully last us a lifetime (or until the next time we see each other again...)

hmm. i've been in slight denial that this term is thisclose to being finito, and now that i've finally come to terms with it, seems like everything is happening at a much faster pace than i expected. perhaps a little too fast for my liking.

as the saying goes, "so much to do, so little time"...

*sigh* such is life.

2004-08-06T04:05:00.000-04:00

who am i kidding?

... as if i could really stay away from blogging (i'm sorry claudia, i caved!)

*sigh* considering the fact that i have to write my english 247 final in less than 5 hours and the wired effects of the 2 cans of pepsi i downed a few hours ago are noticeably wearing off in my system, i should probably consider catching up on some sleep... however, distractions such as mediocre v1 dinners (shaun, those beans weren't really beans), unplanned naps on my laptop keyboard, rubbing off the spacebar imprint from my face due to the unplanned naps on my laptop keyboard (i've really gotta stop doing that!), ranty-venty-girly-heart-to-hearts, keanu reeves in speed, e-mail, and blogging have all somehow managed to divert my attention from anything relating to american literature and pop culture... my current state can be best described by the following quote from the film, The Fall of the House of Usher: "she has the madness in her!" - if it's this early in the morning and i'm blogging rather than studying (or sleeping), i must be mad... or perhaps just a little confused about what my priorities in life should be :oP

setting aside exam business/stress, i am quite thrilled and excited to say that as of ~~this~~ yesterday morning, dates have been confirmed about my vietnam trip. i fly over to sunny california on the 30th of august for teacher's training in lovely pasadena as the last phase of my vietnam prep, finishing on the 1st of september. i will then immediately fly out to vietnam the following day (september 2nd) and begin my crazy (yet wonderful) teaching adventure overseas.

i'm so excited, i plan on celebrating... however, since my ideas for a fantabulous celebration seem limited and rather jumbled at the moment, i think i'll put the celebration on hold for now and instead treat myself to 3 hours of sleep before i shift gears into "cram-an-hour-and-a-half-before-the-exam" mode...

... woot.

2004-07-29T03:02:00.000-04:00

2505 words later...

so i lied... august 10 came a little early :oP

i just couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this with the world - what every stressed university student needs to do every once in a while. (adrienne, you couldn't have sent me this at a more appropriate time :oP)

it may take a little while to load, but trust me, it's worth it :o)

http://antics.icepox.com/metelev.php
(it's in spanish, but you'll know what to do... muuhahahahaha)

it's genius!

k, i'm outta here (for REAL this time!)

2004-07-28T01:15:00.000-04:00

STOP! hermit time!

last week of school = 1 week before pure nerdage begins...

enough funny business. :o(

plan of action for ~~tomorrow~~ today:
- wake up at 7am SHARP (after blogging)
- trek it down to dp by 8:30am
- complete research phase till about 10:30am
- confine myself back in my room, bolt myself down at my desk and spend the rest of the day and night writing/starting my 3000-word poco lit essay due thursday (eeps! that's tomorrow!) at 4:00pm
- breathing and eating are optional

hmm. sometimes i forget that one can actually be unmotivated to go to class and still be motivated to get good marks - why is it that the word "SURVIVAL" only comes to mind?

i think i've burnt out one term too early - but i think it might be all due to my disgruntled frustration of having such a bum/partially moronic academic term this summer :o(

poops.

once the essay is done, it's onto exam bliss:

ENGL 247: August 6, 9:00am
RS 221: August 7, 2:00pm
ENGL 463: August 10, 2:00pm

oy. and thus begins the chaos.

until august 10, folks...

2004-07-28T01:00:00.000-04:00

cinnamon gardens

...     "Why don't you behave like a lady," the Tamil woman said to Annalukshmi.
         "Yes, shouting and screaming like a street vendor," her companion added.
         "It's terrible what the younger generation has come to," said the older man.
         "And what exactly are your relations to this man?" the gentleman added. "Are you married to him?"
          Annalukshmi flushed in anger and mortification at what the man was implying.
          "I thought so," he nodded knowingly.
          Mr. Jayaweera now stood up. "Sir," he said, "there is no reason to speak like that." He turned to Annalukshmi. "I will settle this and go to second class." And, with that, he walked out of the compartment.
"No," Annalukshmi said, and she stood up. "Since you have forced this man to give up his seat for you, then I will have to leave with him and you will be guilty of denying a lady her seat."
          For the first time, she saw the gentleman become unsure of himself. She pressed her advantage. "You have also insulted my honour by implying that my relations are improper with this man who has been sent along to chaperon me."
          "Madam, I did not mean to say that there was anything improper -"
          "Sir, you implied it." She allowed a tremulous note to enter her voice. "You have insulted my honour in front of all these people, dragged me down from my position as a lady."
          "Yes, sir," the Tamil lady said, now switching sides in that way interested bystanders often did. "It was disgraceful to say that."
          "You are not wanted in here, sir," her companion added.
          "We are ladies and God knows who you will insult next."
          The gentleman saw that he had been worsted. He turned and left without a word.

-- from Shyam Selvadurai's Cinnamon Gardens.

2004-07-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

and so engl 247 finally draws to a close

the funny thing about it: the ONE time i decide to attend the FULL LENGTH of class, it ends up being 1/2 an hour long. hehe. no complaints here, mind you.

the grand finale wrap-up: his name was matt, and he sang to the class - a song dedicated to the one girl he hitch hiked all the way to montreal for; but to his dismay, she wasn't home :oP catchy tune, if i do say so myself. t'was amusing when our prof turned 5 shades of red when he sang the line "and all i wish is to rest against your breast" ... dang. talk about actually putting creativity to the whole "creative" part of the assignment - he made my pass-off collage of magazine cut and paste look like small potatoes :oP

and of course, he had the entire female population of the class wrapped around his finger right after the first strum. *girly sigh* :oP there's just something about a guy and his guitar... even better when he knows how to play it... ;o)

and so yet another class bites the dust. one more to go... and THEN *dum dum dum* (suspenseful music) FINALS!

2004-07-26T23:02:00.000-04:00

one more for the road...

current mood:

a mini woodlands gals reunion at booster juice in mississauga for sharon's pre-pre-send-off extravanganza before she leaves us for her masters' somewhere in the cornfields of iowa ... hmmm. good times. it's been almost too long since i've caught up with my girls, but it's always refreshing to know that some things just never change. even at the tender age of 23, we can all still appreciate the occasional giggle spurt sessions, find humour in the most mediocre of things, and love life for everything it is.

*sigh* i'm feeling rather nostalgic and a bit on the sentimental side. it's nights like these that i'm truly going to miss when i go off to vietnam. but it seems like everyone's heading off in different directions come september, off to bigger and better pastures (and/or cornfields)... could it be that we're finally growing up and embarking on our long-awaited journey into adulthood?

nah. perish the thought. :o)

... there are days when it's just wonderful to be living. this one was definitely one of them. :oD

2004-07-26T17:54:00.000-04:00

a li'l sump'in for everyone

when ya get tired of your mp3s at work or at school, or even when kazaa's being a poo, here's something to suit all of your online radio needs ;o)

theiceberg.com

recommendation: for all you cool cats out there, the golden age of jazz is one to definitely tune your ears to :o)

2004-07-26T09:17:00.000-04:00

p n' p: day 2

phew. tuberculosis/diphtheria free and blood pressure's back to normal ;o)

gotta go back another day for follow-up sometime, but fortunately my doctor pulled off the whole "don't call us, we'll call you" liner - may take a while before i gotta go back for p n' p: day 3 :o) but that's perfectly fine with me!

other vietnam prep: yesterday night while chatting up a storm with mandy, she taught me how to say "hello" in viet. jao [pron. jow] :o) hehe. that's like 2 words out of like 500 000 000 000 (the other one being PHO [pron. fuh] of course!) - so, if i were to engage a conversation with a bowl of vietnamese soup, i'd at least be able to greet it properly... "JAO PHO!" :oP

taking a break from studying and "researching", i decided to take a peek into my vietnam prep reader... reading the following amused me:

You may have students offer to give you rides home on their motorbikes. In that case, you should wear pants to class - it can be difficult to climb aboard a motorbike gracefully and modestly while wearing even a long skirt, much less a short one...

so now i'm dreaming of (gracefully and modestly) riding motorbikes in vietnam... haha - WOOT! :oD

2004-07-25T00:47:00.000-04:00

a midsummer night's dream

Hippolyta: This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard.
Theseus: The best in this kind are but shadows, and the worst are no worse if imagination amend them.

(5.1.207-208)

saturday found me in stratford for the shakespeare festival. me (now a fresh burgundy-brunette as of friday evening), livi, audrey, rudy & co. had the wonderful opportunity to watch shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. the last time i went to stratford for the festival was for a grade 10 english class field trip to watch King Lear, and once again i was quite impressed. and i must admit, the "cirque du soleil" trained fairies were a very nice touch to the plot - ol' william would have been proud. :o)

hehe, and while the english geek in me was more than satisfied with stratford's rendition of the classic shakespearean comedy, the girl in me was rather smitten at how attractive the actor who played puck was :oP (he was like the vin diesel of the avon theatre LOL).

and as usual, what day in the life of estelle wouldn't be complete without a very valuable life tidbit :oP today's lesson: fischer-hallman does not connect to the 401, and probably never will :oS - this important lesson was learned while driving home from stratford in the dark, while attempting to follow livi home :o) always an adventure, i suppose :oP

but regardless, the weather was perfect, the sky was blue, and though my wallet now has a gargantuan dent in it from the $40 dinner each of us splurged on tonight (which was well worth it :oP), it was just a lovely day on the whole :oD

i am now happily pooped and ready to hit they hay - i'm determined to get as much sleep as possible before i once again turn into a hermit and shift gears into hardcore cramming and essay writing mode as the end of my 4A term slowly creeps upon me...

2004-07-23T13:35:00.000-04:00

puncture n' probefest: day 1

i am very much

my doctor referred to the entire process as "mild" torture... pssshhh yeah right. with all the shots and tests i took today, you'd think i was being prepared for the military :oS

there's a reason why i've been trying to avoid having THE physical examination for the past 23 years of my life... and at 10:30am all my fears were justified.

oy. without having to go into gruesome detail, let's just say that this experience was far from comfortable, and even the doctor took pity on me when a few teardrops fell onto my hospital gown. :o(

the needles were actually the least of my worries, and those of you who have had to sit through me agonizing over everything know how i'm ridiculously scared of them. nevertheless, i survived, and the needles never even came close to my bum, thank you very much :o) ... and to those who were placing bets on whether i would faint after my blood test, i didn't even after the fact i saw that they had taken 6 long test tubes full of my blood from my arm during the long and painful process. :oP

... and because i was running out of places to be punctured (well, not really. there were just some vaccinations and tests that couldn't be done today :oP), i must now go back on monday morning for more probing and puncturing goodness (as if 3 hours wasn't enough :oS)...

*sniff* owie.

2004-07-23T00:05:00.000-04:00

enter chorus line...

seeing happy, river dancing, japanese samurais all in synch to the musical rhythm of salsa beats - this is what makes life worth living :oP

... didn't expect that at all!

i wanna be just like them. :o)

welps, i finally made it back to 'sauga in one piece, though there were times when my head would slightly droop over the steering wheel while on the 401 (a BIG no-no). guess that's what happens when you're body's been functioning on a total of 5.5 hours of sleep in the past 2 days... :oD but as always, i'm a trooper (or perhaps just too dang nocturnally stubborn) :oP

looking forward to yet another eventful weekend...
friday morning's forecast: severe puncture storm warning in effect.
(all part of my prep for vietnam *sigh*)

... if i still have feeling in my arm (as opposed to my bum) by the afternoon, expect a blog of my morning's adventures.

mama, i'm scared. :oS

2004-07-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

life's simple pleasures

mmm... raspberry frozen yogurt from tcby makes stella a very happy girl. :o)

2004-07-20T20:15:00.000-04:00

i came, i saw, i left during the break...

current mood:

even after having the pleasure of taking a 5-day long weekend, i still made a very sad attempt in being a good girl today and attending all my classes.

*sigh*

i tried... i really did. but i just couldn't bear it anymore after the first 1.5 hours of "how does this movie make you feel?"...

ugh. english 247 is the leprosy that gnaws away at my health, intelligence, and peace of mind.

2004-07-20T00:27:00.000-04:00

more visual stimulation

with one day to spare till my essay is due, i've finished it!
and as a break, i've decided to post up some more highlights from the weekend.

me and my bro (with his new-found baldness) showin' some love :oP

yeah, sure... things look pretty innocent now...

what family camps are really all about :oS

more camp pictures can be found here.

tangent: conversation of the night...

R: why would she tell him these things? doesn't she know that i talk to him?!
me: i dunno. don't ask me to analyze girls... i don't even know how to analyze myself.
R: haha. what?! then analyzing guys would be so much harder for you.
me: ... IT IS!

(my far-from-freudal moment of the hour in helping a friend deal with the opposite gender)

2004-07-19T22:44:00.000-04:00

back from barrie...

the whole hfbc clan - WOOT! (pjunn was MIA)

just the girls :o)

takin' a li'l dip in the pool

CHUBBY BUNNY!

yummy!

i was planning on blogging about the weekend yesterday, but i completely passed out and ended up waking up at 1pm this afternoon (oops!) but i'm finally in the recovering process from roughin' it in the middle of nowhere... well, if you consider "roughin' it" as staying in partially furnished cabins and eating potluck ~~meals~~ feasts non-stop for a full weekend :oP nevertheless, our church family retreat was nothing but a whopping 3 days of fun in the sun, laughin' it up, outlet shopping, *good* tears, good grubbin', good friends (old and new), and a whole lotta spiritual enlightenment.

it's times like these that really help me appreciate what truly matters in life...

as part of my vietnam missions prep, my pastor thought it would be a good idea for me to sit in with him while he shared the gospel to a friend we had met during the camp - she had a lot of questions regarding Christianity and where her faith stood with God, and admitted she didn't really know how Jesus fit into the whole grand scheme of salvation. as weird (perhaps even ignorant?) as it sounds, i never really thought that there could be various levels of complexity and confusion when it came to faith - that it was just as simple as black and white: either they believed or they didn't. at times i just tend to assume what people may know or not know about the gospel and faith in God, and sometimes neglect the seriousness of the situation. though the discussion was really meant for her own spiritual welfare, there was so much that i was able to grasp out of it all. watching my pastor through the whole discussion made me realize how special and at the same time how serious my decision to serve in vietnam was/is, more importantly, how every word that may come out of my mouth could actually impact someone's life a certain way. i'm humbled at how much i still have yet to learn before i pack my bags and board that plane come september. for a while now, i've been harbouring these fears and insecurities about whether this was the right decision, or whether i was just being impulsive and jumping at the opportunity. but after yesterday, i've managed to lay all those fears and insecurities to rest, and finally gain some peace of mind with my decision to go, because really, God will never give me more than i can physically or emotionally handle, as long as i keep the faith - in the past 3 months, i've been discovering so many things i really need to work on before i head out to vietnam, and after this weekend, i'm adding complete trust and submission to the list. i guess that sometimes life's lessons come to you when you least expect them :o) our theme for this year's camp was "what on earth is our purpose for being here?" - something that i've been trying to figure out for the past 23 years. who knew i could learn so much from just a bit less than half hour of a little conversaion and a lot of prayer? :oP

there are far too many other things to be said/written about this past weekend, but the much needed getaway from the everyday was exactly what i needed.

however, i will mention this: my group rocked! YAY MISSIONS! WOOHOO! overall champs for 2 years running! :oP (BOOYAH!) hehe.

... and just when i thought that heading over to vietnam was going to be a challenge, i was elected camp director for next year's camp - eeeps! :oP

more pictures coming soon (i think!)

in other news: today marks the 2 week stretch before finals officially start. what the heck have i been doing these past 4 months?! geepers!

2004-07-14T22:00:00.000-04:00

mcbarf

finally got to see Super Size Me tonight.

... good movie, but yeah, i don't think i'll be eating at mcds for a long while.

ugh. i think i'm feelin' a little mcsick!

tangent: in other news, the soap opera that is clayfield 11 has been unexpectedly put on pause for the next two weeks, as it appears that sf has gone back to where he came from. :oS

2004-07-14T02:39:00.000-04:00

so long a letter...

I take a deep breath.

I've related at one go your story well as mine. I've said the essential, for pain, even when it's past, leaves the same marks on the individual when recalled. Your disappointment was mine, as my rejection was yours. Forgive me once again if I have re-opened your wound. Mine continues to bleed.

-- from Mariama Bâ's So Long a Letter

2004-07-13T00:40:00.000-04:00

a lament for flip flops' passing...

a little...

after 2 years of loyal and faithful service, my favourite pair of black flip flops finally kicked the bucket this evening while walking over to bubbletease and made their long-awaited transcendence to flip flop heaven.

*sigh* let us pause for momentary silence in rememberance of my flip flops.

lesson(s) of the day:
- walking with one-strapped flip flops is much harder than it looks
- shoes were made to protect your bare feet from incidences like stepping on random pieces of broken glass (ow!)
- there are no benefits from insisting to walk with broken flip flops - not only does it slow you down, but everyone else too!

oy.

s-m-r-t indeed.

2004-07-10T23:26:00.000-04:00

weddings and ya-ya sisterhoods

current mood:

(for once!)

'twas a great day for a summer waterloo wedding. it was also my first time singing at a wedding for people i didn't even know (things tend to be more interesting when you've never met the bride or the groom ... until after the ceremony), but all in all, everything was just lovely and beautiful as most weddings tend to be. i'm not sure whether this marks the beginning of my career as a wedding singer, but being a part of it all was just wonderful.

a few hours later, i find myself back at home in mississauga and spending some quality time with the women of the house. hours and hours of looking at old and new photo albums gave way to hours and hours of meaningful conversation. hmm. it was interesting to look around and see 3 generations of family women in the same room. nothing but laughter, smiles, and chocolate all around.

of course, when my brother and dad walked in, the dumbfounded looks on their faces gave the impression that they had absolutely no idea what was going on :o) it tends to happen a lot around here, especially with the excessive levels of estrogen floating around the house.

(hmph! men.)

... sometimes i wonder whether my dad and brother feel somewhat neglected whenever the ladies of the house get too wrapped up in our own ya-ya sisterhood brouhaha :oP

2004-07-09T18:23:00.000-04:00

reality check.

my brother turned 19 today - he's legal now... wowsers.

in celebration of my brother's entrance into "legalhood", i decided to clean my room. well, not really out of celebration, but it just had to be done :oP but while spending some quality time with the dust bunnies underneath my bed, i came across a peculiar black binder. after blowing the years of dust off its cover, i realized that it was a trilogy that tess and i wrote together 10 years ago. we called it Emerald Heights. the novels revolved around a group of teens who lived in some beach community in Florida - Emerald Heights (of course, tess and i made the name up) - it was like a pg 13 version of Beverly Hills 90210, well, minus the sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. our inspiration for it all derived from devoted and endless hours of watching the mickey mouse club - they had their own series called Emerald Cove. tess and i thought we could have done a much better job with the plot development, and thus our trilogy was born. a huge part of what we thought was missing, was well... us. so we decided to make up characters for ourselves, and have them be the main characters of the story (it was only the right thing to do :oP).

reading through the first few pages of these stories, my head began to fill with so many good memories of being 14. at least twice a week, tess and i would have our own reading sessions, where after writing a few chapters, i would immediately call her up or vice versa and we'd spend hours on end just reading them out to each other. of course, i did most of the writing, which meant that most of the plot revolved around my character, but still, it's almost incredible how vivid both of our imaginations were back then. these stories were far from being governor general's award material, but simply enough, they made us happy. it was pure poop - but it was our poop. 10 years later, reading them over again kinda made me realize that it's been a while since i've been "simply" happy doing something i really enjoy.

i remember in the notebook (*ahem*) where allie (rachel mcadams) realized that she didn't paint anymore like she used to - the seriousness of life had somehow caught up with her, and she focused her attention on other things instead - school, marriage, settling down, finding stability, working, etc. and it made me wonder, is the same thing going to happen with me?

looking back, it's been a while since i've really written anything for pleasure or even felt really passionate about writing (which i know is rather ironic since i chose to be an english major). on my bookshelves at home, i have at least 3 journals, filled with pages of poem after poem, story after story, thought after thought. blogging seems rather disappointing when compared to the contents of those journals... hmm. life is but a funny thing. it's almost as if my poems, stories, scripts that gave me pleasure in writing have been replaced with a plethora of academic essays, reports, midterms, finals, and endless analyses that don't really give me the same joy. instead, it seems like i only write them because my academic career depends on it.

*sigh*

what ever happened to the days where i could just write crap and be content with it, without expecting something in return?

2004-07-08T13:02:00.000-04:00

from eloisa to abelard

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

-- taken from Alexander Pope's Eloisa to Abelard

2004-07-08T03:21:00.000-04:00

stella by starlight...

ahhh. the sweet sound of miles davis... i've always been more of a sax gal, but if anyone can melt hearts with a trumpet, it's mr. miles davis.

*sigh*

while miles davis is melting hearts, i on the other hand appear to be breaking them. this isn't the first time i've been labelled a heartbreaker, and just only a few minutes ago, i've somehow managed to live up to my infamous reputation. this is definitely something i'm not exactly proud of, nor am i feeling quite happy about at the moment, which could explain why i've been drowning my sorrows in jazz music and several rounds of hot blackcurrant tea.

after coming home from watching eternal sunshine with claudia, i checked my e-mail and surprisingly found a 5k letter from a friend, confessing his true affection towards me. ya know, they should really make a handbook or some sort of instructional manual on how to prepare someone for this kind of thing, because this completely caught me off guard. usually in this type of scenario, i would normally give the poor diluted soul the "subtle yet straightforward" brush off and continue on with my life, but things were different this time around because we somehow established a friendship in the midst of being "just acquaintances" over the past few months that we've known each other. oy. what makes it even worse was that throughout the letter he was praising me for things that weren't necessarily me - instead, he seemed to have concocted his own version of who i was, solely based on what he liked on the surface. all that was really missing were my wings and my halo (which both happen to be rather blemished and crooked at the moment).

long story short, things ended on a sour note just as i had feared when he came online and immediately wanted to have the "i think we should take our friendship to the next level" talk. completely unprepared and unsettled, i know i said a few things that he probably hadn't intended on hearing tonight, and may have even put a wrench into our friendship. double oy. but thinking it over in retrospect, there's really nothing wrong with him as a person - he's intellegent, attractive, polite, a typical gentleman... just not for me. at the peak of our heated conversation he had the nerve to tell me that he would have never thought of me as someone who could hurt him so badly the way i did, and that he was totally wrong about me. perhaps he was.

am i sorry i was honest with him? of course not. but nevertheless, i still can't help but feel just awful about the way things ended. in an ideal world, everything wouldn't be as complicated, and hearts wouldn't be trampled on. but life just doesn't work out that way, does it?

tonight i come to the conclusion that i'm not one to take impulsive and spontaneous risks on dating or love, nor do i intend to start. the chances of me starting any form of "romantic" relationship on the fly are about zero to nil. and i am certainly not one to jump into anything out of obligation. as usual, my friends who think i'm rather messed up in the head for rejecting "yet another wonderful opportunity" don't seem to understand where i'm coming from. in all honestly, sometimes even i don't know where i'm coming from. but for me, this whole concept of "falling for someone" is a timely process that can only flourish the more time you spend getting to know someone and move past seeing whatever lies on the surface. it doesn't matter whether you think someone's smart, or cute, or funny, or easy to talk to - all those qualities should come second to how well you really know someone, and in turn how well they really know you; being able to accept all the little quirks that consist of your entire being. a few conversations on msn or icq, especially the odd 5k e-mail hardly gives anyone a hint of what really goes on behind the scenes.

and sure, there are times when i worry about my own stubbornness actually being responsible for leading me to my own demise in terms of finding that special someone. the term "love" is one that is used so loosely these days, no one seems to take it seriously. one thing for sure is that i don't plan on gambling away my feelings on some random guy who can easily flatter me with the obvious. i believe that the harsh blows that come with rejection are more likely to heal faster before than after jumping into something that neither person is prepared for. the last thing i would want to happen is me realizing that i'm capable of hurting someone to the extent where they would resent me out of their own regret.

i can't help it if the past relationships that i've been involved in have shaped my mind and heart into thinking or feeling the way they do, but this is how it's going to be for a long time until i can truly let my guard down. as cheesy as it sounds, over the years my heart has gone under massive repair and rennovation, and even the slight risk of it falling apart again seems like too much for me to bear at this point.

even after all has been said and done, i believe that there's definitely still some hope for me just yet. going with the flow of things takes matters out of my own hands - so far i'm happy with the way things are going in my love life, even if 99.9% of it is non-existent. everything has a way of just falling into place. if i ever do find true love, then it just all depends on how the rest of the plot unfolds. if not, then i can last another 4 years without someone, if not longer. if you think about it, it's the wait that makes you appreciate something (in this case, someone?) more. patience is truly a virtue... (also something that i'm trying to work on :oP)

quoting clementine from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, "Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really."

2004-07-07T10:06:00.000-04:00

where the experience ends, the writing begins.

simple and true. i like it.

sometimes (if not all times?) experience is the best teacher of life's lessons.

looks like this one' s a keeper. :o)

2004-07-05T19:38:00.000-04:00

bubbye rs 266

current mood:

welps, after a 1/2 hour of writing my final, i am done!! kinda sad to see it over and done with so soon, but i think that i'll definitely be renting a few bergman films here and there just for kicks before the end of the term ;o) and now that my mondays and wednesdays (on top of my usual fridays off) are free, looks like i'll have more time on my hands to watch more movies, take long walks, check out the stratford festival sometime, bum around waterloo, play dynomite, spend countless hours with my good ol' buddy gamecube, and oh yeah... catch up on the rest of the rest of my courseload that i've been neglecting since the end of may *sigh*

it's all good :o)

at least now i can relax more and focus on the more important things in life - like watching supersize me and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (again) on wednesday evening. anyone who wants to join me, please feel free to do so :o)

2004-07-04T15:44:00.000-04:00

montreal and all that jazz...

i couldn't have asked for a more wonderful weekend - a very much appreciated escape from the drama and chaos of school and poopie roommate situations in "waterpoo". it's been a long while since the "crit-kids" got together, and the past 3 days definitely made up for lost time.

the journey began on wednesday night after watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (good movie!), followed by an overnight pit stop at my place in good ol' mississauga. 6am the following morning, we set out to cristina's and picked her up. 6 and a half hours later, we settled down at the residence "tower" at the university of montreal, ran into "dickie moore", which gave me ample time to practice my reverse and downhill driving on campus :oP after retrieving a map from the cute circulation desk dude, we unpacked, and then headed over to le métro and trekked down to la place au jazz where the festival was.

the jazz festival was awesome - to keep to our "struggling student" cost-efficient budget, we mostly stuck to the free concerts, but we were not the least bit disappointed. the music was so incredible that the four of us soon forgot about the numbing pain in our derrières from sitting on concrete for so long. d'gary with his incredible guitar strumming and the dude with the "metal box filled with gravel" was quite the sight (for those of you who are reading this and are scratching your heads with slight confusion, you just had to be there). but the definite highlight of the entire festival was a man by the name of celso machado: the "one-man orchestra" - a man of many talents, voices, and animal noises beyond compare. simply genius! the only thing i regret was that we couldn't stay for the whole week's festivities from start to finish. *sigh*

each day was indeed an adventure - the long (yes cris, this is quite the understatement lol) walk(s) around the city and up the mountain was a feat all on its own. and though cristina and i made a valiant effort to keep up with the spontaneous "wolfmen" who were determined to hike up the mountain of st. joseph's, we failed gracefully - and me, pulling yet another classic "estelle" move, decided that it would be faster for me to fall down the mountain than hike back down. sometimes it amuses me at how much of a "princess" i really am even though half the time i try to deny it. tee-hee. a valuable lesson was learned after our little "excursion" - it is almost impossible to "unaccidentally prone yourself" (oy. yes, go english major!) but all in all, despite the battle scars and mud-stained pants, it was just lovely :o)

as if our adventure couldn't have gotten any more crazy, on the drive home after leaving cristina's house, my left rear tire popped while driving on the 401 to waterloo - guess there's a first time for everything. oy. 'tis but an interesting thing to be on the 401 at midnight with a popped tire. however, my knights in shining armour, jb and jp came to my rescue (well, they really didn't have much choice since they were in the car with me :oP) - at least that definitely woke us up the rest of the night's drive back to 'loo. the night continued on with a 3/4 "crit-kid" bonfire till 4 in the morning. *sigh* all that was really missing (other than cristina) was celso machado and bacon-wrapped marshmellows roasting over the fire, but there's always next time ;oP

hmm. it's a shame that weekends are so short.

montreal is such a beautiful city - from the people (ie: sexy hazel-eyed hot-dog dude and curly-haired circulation desk dude), to the architecture of the houses and old buildings, one can only stand back in complete awe at everything the city has to offer. spending the past 3 days absorbing all the culture of downtown montreal, to sitting on the steps of the st. joseph cathedral on the mountain, to walking along the cobblestone streets of old montreal, and of course hearing all the amazing talent at the jazz festival, only made me realize how much i really missed out after moving to ontario at such a young age - when you're 5 years old, your whole perception and apprecaition for the things around you is so limited. 18 years later, walking the city streets at 23 felt like i was looking at everything through a completely different perspective, and yet i couldn't help but feel nostalgic all at the same time.

so many old memories remembered, so many more new ones made.

and so ended yet another amazing crit-kid weekend full of good weather, good music, good laughs, good times and great friends.

after a weekend such as this one, there's really only one thing left to say:

Heeeyyy... Yaaaaaaa..
Heeyy Yaaaaaaaa!

2004-06-29T18:45:00.000-04:00

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-baaaaad to the bone

so... with the intention of making it to all my classes today, i stifle up enough energy and walk over to dwe 3225A where i usually have my engl 247 class from 6:30-9:30pm. i walked into the room, and a guy was sitting in the far corner studying something that was definitely not american lit or pop culture. he tells me that the class moved over to hagey hall, but failed to mention the room...

figuring i could use the whole "since i don't know what room my class is, i don't really have to go anymore" excuse, i begin the trek back home. i then run into my friend melissa who is taking the same course, and she comments on how i was walking in the wrong direction. i ask her if she knew about the class change, and she said yes. if i had gone to the last 2 previous classes, i would have known that the prof changed our room to hh 150 instead.

however, seeing as i was already 5 minutes late for class, and hagey hall was just so far away, i disregarded the information (as much as it was appreciated), and kept on walking.

... towards my apartment.

and in about 5 minutes i'm planning to drive over to silver city so i can catch the 7:30 show for the notebook... again.

let the long weekend begin :o)

2004-06-28T17:38:00.000-04:00

is the sun coming up today?

browsed around exploding dog and came across this picture with the above caption:

19 degrees overcast. oh mr. sun, where did you run off to? :o(

in clayfield 11 news: "there were 4 in the bed and the stinky one said, 'move out'"... and so claudia did - to her boyfriend's house... for what looks like the rest of this school term. apparently while i was gone for the weekend, ruckus stirred in our humble apartment. once again i am the cheese that stands alone... clayfield 11 is falling apart, and i have a feeling that come mid-july, there'll be no one left here to pick up the pieces.

trouble is definitely a'brewin'... *dum dum dum...*

meanwhile, visions of trips to montreal and church camping trips keep dancing in my head :o)

2004-06-28T01:49:00.000-04:00

well it's a marvelous night for a moondance...

finally i'm

saturday night, i reconnected with a whopping of 200+ relatives and family friends to celebrate my "mama vit's" 80th birthday. almost the whole clan travelled far and wide for this one shindig - from the philippines, the US, europe, across canada. dang. for someone who's 80, she didn't even look a day over 65 - i definitely want to be like her if/when i get to that age... to be able to accomplish so many things, to have seen all the beauty and wonderment that this world has to offer, to have been through life's struggles, hardships, and blessings, and still look gorgeous and come to the realization that you're not even close to completing your journey just yet - wowsers... and yes, everyone looked stunning :o). as the night unfolded, as i expected, i encountered the many "i knew you when..." and "is that estelle?! oh my, she's grown up so much!" remarks (complete with very painful pinching of the cheeks - yes, even at the tender age of 23) that were thrown my way, but i managed to dodge almost all of them gracefully... that is, only until 3 or 4 relatives decided to remind me of how ugly i was as a baby, and were quite fascinated by it... apparently i'm "beautiful" now compared to what i used to look like a few years back... yeesh - dang, go fig. relatives. *grumble* but all in all, the night was absolutely divine. it was a night of reuniting, laughter, music, positive nostalgia, slight tearshed, and wonderful times... knowing that my family's blood, sweat, and tears over the past few months over this one night finally came together so amazingly just makes me so incredibly happy and relieved to know that it's all over :oP *nostalgic sigh* family reunions are just one of those things that you dread going to, but after all that's been said and done, you can't help but just smile... definitely felt a case of the warm fuzzies that night. :o)

a slight change of pace, sunday (now yesterday) night was jacrise's 18th birthday celebration - the sun was out, accompanied by a mild breeze, and thankfully no sign of rain. the day was just as beautiful as the birthday girl herself. another night of all around good times, great friends, and as always, great food. in filipino tradition, the 18th year in a young girl's life marks the transition from girl to woman - she had 18 of her closest friends represent 18 promises of God, represented by a lovely rose/candle ceremony. *sigh* it's such a mind-boggling phenomenon to watch someone so close to you in your life grow up literally right in front of your eyes, but as is life...

and of course, the night wouldn't have been complete without a little game of sing-along musical chairs and line-dancing by moonlight in the backyard to the musical stylings of elton john's "don't go breaking my heart" and natalie cole's "this is it" once most of the guests had gone home - jp, you would have been so proud of me *sniff* ;o) funny moment of the night was when i beat out an innocent 7-year old girl in musical chairs... and then kept the chair for myself. :oP fortunately for her, she worked her voodoo magic and took vengeance on me when i got out in the next round. tee-hee :oP

... dang, i'm pooped.

tomorrow (today) is monday. ahhh yes, voting day in canada. after tomorrow, will i no longer see liberal reds, conservative blues, green party greens, and ndp oranges pasted all over the sides of busses, on people's lawns, in their windows, flashing on the tv, and on the radio... i'm on the fence about which party i should check off on my ballot tomorrow - seems like it's all the same, liberals bashing conservatives, conservatives bashing liberals, false promises, "cut this", "cut that", and thus the basic routine of political elections continues on. *sigh* decisions, decisions.

perhaps if one of the parties was smart enough to seriously take into consideration of adding the idea of extending the weekends by a few more days to their campaign platform, it just might be able to sway my vote.

... yep, but that's just all a matter of wishful thinking on my part :oP

2004-06-25T19:29:00.000-04:00

the notebook: opening day

as promised, me, tess, and a couple of our other crazy friends went first thing and watched the notebook today. matinee show, 12:10pm. yep, we're crazy. but it was well worth it. it's been a while since i had a good cry over a sappy, mushy, love story, but then again i'm known for being quite sappy and mushy over most things... *sigh* the tears didn't seem to stop until the very end... of the credits. as if i didn't have enough respect and admiration for ryan gosling as an actor, it definitely went up a notch (well, it helps that he's also quite the mighty handsome fellow *wink wink*) - hmm. i need to find me a farmboy named noah from seabrook and my life will be complete. *double sigh* i think i'm in love :oP oy. now i want to go read the book.

well, i've been back home in 'sauga since thursday night, and so far, it's been nice to de-stress myself from all the essay writing and midterm cramming from the past 2 weeks. for the rest of the night, i plan on spending some time with the family, catching up on some VERY MUCH overdue gamecube action (now that we're 4 controllers complete) and watch carolina (starring julia stiles) - tess highly recommended this movie for the chickflick lover in me, so i'll probably blog about that later whenever i get around to it.

as for the rest of the weekend's adventures, it's all about gargantuan family reunions, grubbin' down some good filipino chow, 18th birthday celebrations with more celebratory grubbin', and of course, good times!

life is good again :o)

2004-06-23T01:48:00.000-04:00

1650 words later...

current mood:

consider this me going on hiatus from being on hiatus...

i'm currently trying to find some deskspace so i can make some elbowroom for myself, but amidst the all the books, all the scattered papers, waterbottles and large tim horton's cups that used to be filled with french vanilla goodness, i'm finding it to be quite the struggle. as of now, my elbows are slipping as i type this blog entry.

so i'm a little stressed. can ya tell?

serves me right for holding out on these 2 essays that are supposedly due tomorrow (err.. later this afternoon) - but with last week's brain overload of midterms and essays, followed by this past weekend's events of distant family reunions, bbqs, dragonboat races, sunburns, head colds, father's day celebrations, and catching up with close friends, i've been *forced* (well, more sidetracked) to slightly alter what gets first priority (just a hint: it sure wasn't these essays :oP). of course, there's really no one to blame but myself and my desired ability to procrastinate. however, the night is still young, and i am determined to finish both essays by 6am tomorrow, and sleep till the cows come home afterwards (and of course manage to fit class in there somewhere if my REM sleep permits me).

to top it off, *SF is back unexpectedly and his antics are once again in full swing.

* sidenote: long story short, i'm not the least bit impressed. 3 weeks of complete and utter solitude are now nothing but just a sweet memory in my sleep-deprived mind.

i actually wasn't planning on blogging till tomorrow afternoon (charlene, i'm sorry. i cracked) once all this chaos is finally over and done with. but meh, as i've said before... old habits die hard.

happier days...

me and ("mama") esther at dragonboat post-tan, pre-burn :oD

lesson of the day: it physically hurts to write essays with a half-fried brain.

2004-06-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

through a glass darkly

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

1 Corinthians 13:11-13 (KJV)

2004-06-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

on hiatus.

realizing that i study and work much better and consistently without the internet, xbox, tv, kitchen, and telephone distracting me, i've also decided to take a little break from blogging for the rest of this week. that's right. for the next few days, no blogging. :o)

3 essays down.
2 more midterms to go.

but while i'm on here, i might as well add a lil sumpin' sumpin' (just cuz you know, everyone seems to be doing it!) before i fall completely back into hermit nerd mode:

How to make an estelle

Ingredients:

3 parts intelligence

3 parts silliness

3 parts empathy

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Serve with a slice of lustfulness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

random thought: having your feet licked by gizmo the wonderdog is a very strange sensation to wake up to, especially if you're already disoriented and have no sense of time or space :oP

2004-06-14T15:12:00.000-04:00

you know you've gone completely cuckoo for cocoapuffs when...

feelin' a little

i think i must have hit the books a little too hard this weekend, cuz i think i'm losing it.

on friday, i checked my visa bill, and i freaked out that out of my entire limit, i was down to only a little over $300.00 left in my account. this was quite strange, especially since i had already paid my bill way before the due date, and i hadn't used my visa card to pay for anything in the past month and a half. so, what do i do instead of trying to figure out what happened to all that money? i go ballistic and start panicking at the possibility that someone was taking money out of my account.

of course, there was that whole glitch with royal bank that happened at the beginning of june that could have also been a possibility, but while in my ballistic-ness, i was insistant upon the fact that someone was taking my money right under my nose.

yes, good one stella.

so my dad, who was now freaking out because of the fact that i was freaking out, (i tend to have that affect on people, apparently) decided to call the people at visa and figure stuff out (something i should have done in the first place).

... which brings us to today. once i get back in loo, my cell phone rings. my dad, on the other line, tells me that the $300 and then some that was in my visa account wasn't what was LEFT in my account, but was in my account ON TOP of my limit.

yup. i read my balance wrong.

so, instead of lacking money in my visa account, i actually have more than enough. yeeesh. what's even more classic estelle of me is that i kept paying the bill even when i was already at my limit for the past 2 months. yeesh. i'm feeling rather dumb right now, but on a positive note, i can go online shopping again.

crap.

maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to know that i have money.

poop.

well, maybe i can at least afford to dine in style tonight, now knowing that i can actually pay for it.

... wings anyone? ;o)

2004-06-13T02:07:00.000-04:00

houston, we have a problem.

keepin'

(err, trying to)

i thought that by disciplining myself to stay home this fine saturday (err, now sunday), i would get a majority of my work done. yeesh, what was i thinking? with distractions from random friends dropping by, 6 or 7 phone calls (that each lasted for at least an hour), watching home videos with the family, and a bbq fiesta chez moi, it's been rather difficult to focus.

at least i got 3/4 of my 463 essay done. tomorrow it's onto the conclusion, and then go hardcore and start the one for 247. and THEN i study till the cows come home for my 2 midterms this coming week. woot! heh, this plan sounded so much more organized in my head. :oP

... i just realized i haven't bought the book i'm supposed to be reading for my rs 267 midterm. oops. ahhh well. monday it is.

ya know, all this ranting and blogging just isn't the same when you know most of your other friends are all free from the undergrad chains that used to bind them.

grr.

i miss my sanity.

2004-06-12T09:58:00.000-04:00

boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!

as if that written on a t-shirt wasn't enough (with the rather funny primitive cartoon drawn to accompany it), Todd Goldman decided to take it one step further by making a collage of "reasons why boys are stupid"...

recently i was debating with a very adamant, blatantly gender-sensitive "friend" about these t-shirts. when i told him that another friend of mine wanted to purchase one of these t-shirts for me, he got offended at the fact that i would wear something so degrading to men. just to put things in context, this "friend" is the kind of person (dorkus moronus?) who would always be the first one to cat-call any woman with two legs on the street, and would treat them with less-than-gentleman-like behaviour. and he was taking such huge offense to me wearing a "boys are stupid, let's throw rocks at them" t-shirt?!

apparently Goldman's "artwork" has been causing quite the controversy among the male species that can't seem to handle silly, mindless/ful, over-the-edge humour. now, i'm not usually the one to demonstrate feminist behaviour and be all over this kind of thing, but i'm not sure what the big deal is. of course, being me, i made the common (not-so-common) mistake that the text on the t-shirt initially read "boys are stupid, let's kill them", and still got a laugh out of it, but that may be a different topic all on its own. but even after sharing this whole "boys are stupid" t-shirt concept with my own guy friends, they got a hoot out of it - some even thought it was genius. realistically, this whole "crossing the morally correct gender-line" idea shouldn't be a shock to us at all - especially since today's society's distinction between sexual attraction and sexual predation has been beclouded by the thick fog of popular culture. in saying that, if the media can easily refer to us women as hos and b!tches, us girls should at LEAST have the right to call boys stupid. :oP

i mean, come on. it's not like the man is selling rocks with his t-shirts (although, i would find that hilariously amusing if he did).

2004-06-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

"patient complete."

yup, that's what it says on my orthodentic record! meaning, after 12 long years of enduring braces-three-fold-getting-off/on-again, wire adjustments, elastic wearing, power-chain fixing, reatainer wearing (well, that i'll probably never fully escape from), all the emotional trauma from the namecalling (ie: "braceface", "traintracks", "metalmouth", "wireface"), it can all be put to rest because i am finally free at last! ... unless of course my permanent retainer breaks, but hopefully that won't happen. *knock on wood*

i'm all smiles! :oD

new pointless fact: apparently the orthodentist office is a good place to pick-up. he wasn't quite 40, and he wasn't 4 - but dang, his teeth are gonna look so sexy once the head gear comes off ;o) when a guy comments on how nice your smile is at the orthodentist's office, you KNOW he's telling the truth ;oP unfortunately, i had to decline - it was an immediate turn-off when he interrupted my game of mariokart double-dash. never come in between a girl and her gamecube. ;o)

2004-06-10T01:55:00.000-04:00

how stella got her groove back...

the night is still young, and i have transformed into a reading/editing machine. research phase 1 is well on the way, as i've finally decided what to focus my engl 463 and 247 essays on. during my break time(s) i've been able to edit 7 out of 9 doozies of 10 articles for toadlane (and i mean doozy in every sense of the word - eeps) well before my deadline, and even managed to fit in a watching of The Way We Were with Claudia (previously inspired by a Sex in the City episode) - it was your classic ill-fated love story, complete with civil yet charming ending ("Your girl is lovely, Hubbel" *followed by dramatic index finger hairsweep*). moral of the story: some people just aren't meant to be *sigh*.

phew. if i keep this up, i'll be able to get those essays done by monday morning (*cross fingers*), and still have at least 2 days to study for my 2 midterms next week. wooo hoo hoooo ... hoo! i'm not sure where all this sudden energy is coming from, probably from the ice cap i downed this morning for breakfast, but i'm likin' it lots! ;o)

possible note to self: drink more ice caps?

in the very soulful words of patti labelle, "i'm feelin' good from my head to my shoes. know where i’m goin’ and i know what to do. i tidied up my point of view. ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh i got a new attitude!" :oP

tomorrow's plan:
- continue reading, perhaps get a tan in the process ;o)
- make it to semiotics (only because we have a midterm on the following thursday)
- head back home to good ol' mississauga for a weekend of hard work and good times

side note: for all you crit-lit lovin' cats out there, we touched on edward said's "Orientalism" in Post-Colonial Lit this week - suffice to say, i felt rather smart in class ;o) S-M-R-T! (thank you 470a!)

2004-06-09T03:18:00.000-04:00

almost 2 hours later...

Matthew 6:33-34

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

words of wisdom... :o)

breathing helps too. :oP

2004-06-09T01:37:00.000-04:00

mental upchuck...

a month of procrastinating is finally taking its toll on me - *sigh* old habits die hard.

current mood:

the title of my blog says "...ready for anything" - ohhh, the irony! i have 3 essays, 2 midterms due in the next few days. my initial plan was to start "research phase 1" this week, but it's been a tad difficult due to the sad reality that i haven't even come close to finishing (err... starting?) any of the books/poems that i'm planning to use as material for those essays/midterms.

am i worried?
nope.

should i be?
probably.

i'm not really sure what it is about my desire (or rather, lack thereof) to keep motivated this term - it just doesn't seem to be working. and now that we're finally having gorgeous weather of 25+ degrees celsius, instead of keeping my head in the books, i find myself frequently daydreaming of weekend roadtrips to montreal, bbqs, family camping trips, playing beach volleyball, and soaking up the sun.

i keep telling myself i need to get my priorities straight - yeeesh. easier said than done.

for a while now, i haven't exactly been myself - i mean, as much as the cheery disposition holds out, i’ve actually been feeling rather “ruttish” especially these past few days. realizing that i only really have one more school term after this one before i graduate, i'm faced with the overwhelming truth that i really have no idea what i'm doing afterwards. and i know what some of you might be thinking, oh stella’s once again gone and ventured off into the wonderful world of thinking too much and too far ahead. really, 8 months isn’t long enough of a stride till i say so long to my undergrad years. my short-term plan was to go into full-time service in overseas missions for at least a year, but then what? do i continue with missions? do i join the workforce and spend the rest of my life trying to find a decent job and become just another statistic? do i go back to school and upgrade my post-post-secondary education? do i take some time off to travel and absorb all the cultures and diversity the world has to offer? or should i just contentedly make a living in the streets and subways of toronto playing my flute for small change? (scary enough, i actually have considered the last option) - my mind is going completely wonky with all these options, and what i find so absurd is that while everyone else seems to have some kind of life-outline, i'm just confuzzled by it all.

along with my mental adventures of overthinking and analyzing, i'm also confronted with other obstacles. i received my confirmation package from Educational Services International today for my teaching position in vietnam for the fall. apparently by the end of august, i need to come up with a whopping $2790, plus one-way airfare from Vietnam, as well as airfare to Cali for my 3-day training - how i'm going to raise all that money in less than 3 months is beyond me, especially since i'm living the cost-efficient life of a university student. i'm leaning towards finding a part-time job, but in contrast to what my blogs may lead other people to believe, i actually do have a fair amount of school work on my hands, and a job might completely send me over the top. in addition, my own insecurities and low self-esteem issues all seem to be on a bombarding frenzy. so here i am, sitting beside myself, not knowing what the next step should be. but i guess that's the beauty of faith - you just gotta believe. there are just some things in life that are completely out of my control. of course, my stubbornness and tendency to be impatient love to tell me otherwise, but ultimately things will go according to plan - not on my schedule, but God's.

*sigh* even this "rut" too shall pass.

oy... i know, i know. less ranting, more studying :oP

2004-06-08T22:59:00.000-04:00

Birds of Passage

My passport still lies open before me, tempting me to embark on imaginary journeys. The past sits heavily in my stomach. Shan's journal, inextricably entwined in mine, strengthens my fragile sensitivity.

Oh, I admit that I suffered from feelings of persecution. Voices taunted me, shadows pursued me with cleavers. Reason was the only mainstay of my sensitivity. Once the boundaries of reason were crossed, sensitivity ran amuck. The imagination had a secret way through the boarder. 'Stay away from strong imagination', the doctor once told me. The imagination always forced me to act. Once that happened, reason collapsed as easily as unstrung chicken wire.

Perhaps this explains why I carry these small slips of yellow paper around with me, neatly sandwiched in contact plastic. They protect me from paranoia. They are my raison d’être. I know they are not fiction.

from Brian Castro's Birds of Passage

2004-06-06T00:04:00.000-04:00

teppanyaki = yummy!

our talented chef of the evening (dang, there's just
something about a guy in a chef's hat and an apron ;oP)

"baby" casa :o)
top (l-r): ed, tim, me, kevin, wilkins
bottom (l-r): audrey, claudia, teresa, susan

it was a casa mini-reunion at "taste of japan" in markham for teresa's surprise birthday party. my first time dining teppanyaki, and sure enough, not to be my last. our chef was probably one of the most entertaining people i've ever met, or probably will ever meet in my entire lifetime. not only was he dashing with his cooking utensils, he was pretty dang hilarious. from the egg fry chuck/toss to the fried rice bowl juggling, he was quite the talented man - and the flames that rose from the beautiful onion mountains were just a phenomenon in itself - i think i probably ooohed and ahhhed more than i drooled over the delectably scrumptious food... garlic shrimp, scallops, vegetables, bean sprouts, fried rice, maki rolls, and teriyaki chicken all sizzled to perfection, followed by green tea ice cream AND birthday cake for dessert. mmmmm... it was painful, but much enjoyed. :oP

and as tradition, it wouldn't have been a complete reuinion without ending the evening with a few good laughs over bubbletea. *burp* wowsas. oy. if i continue eating like this i'm going to pretty much look like a tapioca ball by the end of this term.

looks like stella's gonna be hitting the gym double time this week :oS ... but not until AFTER wings with the coops on monday night... err. well, maybe i'll kick into double time after my midterm/essay week, instead. hmm.

stella's updated weekend score:
procrastination = 1
productivity = 0

(doh.)

2004-06-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

tgif

it's beginning to look (and feel) a lot like summer... finally!

2004-06-04T01:52:00.000-04:00

"turn the beat around."

joannie, claudia, and me: ready to salsa the night away...

a bunch of us put on our dancing shoes and headed over to the flying dog for some hot salsa-ing good times (which was definitely a nice change of atmosphere from fed hall or rev). it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be (well sure, the free lessons helped a *little* lol) - a bit of hip shakin', a spin here and there, with the occasional "salsa staredown", and we were pretty much tearin' up the dancefloor... well, once we got past the "counter-clockwise" turn - that was a doozy the first 2 or maybe 4 times around :oP

when in doubt, just keep spinning. ;o)

funny moment(s) of the night - after my partner left for the evening, not too long after, i found myself becoming quite popular with the 30-40 year old men at the club. most of them were actually pretty nice and sociable - and boy, could they dance! though i must admit, it got a little creepy when one of them started dishing out the cheesy pick-up lines while flinging me across the dancefloor.

highlighted lines of the evening (and i only wish i was joking, folks):
- "wow, is it getting hot in here, or is it just you?"
- "did you hurt yourself? ... when you fell from heaven? because when i first saw you walk into the room, i thought you were an angel sent from above."
- "you owe me a drink. because when i saw your beauty, you made me drop mine."

ergh. less talking, more dancing please! ;o)
(do guys really think these lines work on women?!)

*sigh* ... exhausted and all salsa'd out, we then dragged ourselves over to bubbletease and ended up amusing ourselves with card games for the rest of the night. my new mission is to beat everyone at slapjack and "7 levels of pig" (trust me, its chinese name sounds more elegant - according to claudia :oP).

and so ended yet another wild and crazy adventure in the 'loo.

t'was nothing but wonderful times. wonderful, indeed! :o)

2004-06-03T09:08:00.000-04:00

peace and quiet: such beautiful words.

it's gonna be rather quiet over in the land of clayfield 11 for the next three weeks, and i'm planning on savouring every minute of it. :o)

2004-06-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

eventful.

had a few hours to kill before my 6:30 class, so i decided to drive down to elmira and visit an old friend from back in the days of Mitra/Agfa (previous co-op terms) - 8 months ago she had a baby boy and it was the first time i got to see him. kinda reminded me of the gerber baby, except more chubby, and of course, cuter :oP. what was only supposed to be an hour and a half lunch lasted for a good 4 and a half hours. definitely good times - there was just so much to catch up on. and as an added bonus, i never knew grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup could taste so good ;o) yummy! hmm. for those four hours, it seemed like all was right in the world - no drama, no distractions, no worries. driving past all the acres of farmland, grazing cows and horses was actually pretty peaceful - something that i don't normally get to see while back in 'sauga or anywhere else in TO. i think i'll make a note to myself to visit there more often. :o)

on the way back to waterloo, a few songs came on the radio that triggered a few memories from elementary and high school - *double sigh*... and so the nostalgia begins once again. :oP

random thought: i really want to see "the notebook" (tess, we are so seeing that movie!)

tonight's agenda:
- sleep early to help get rid of this cold (again)

tomorrow's agenda:
- drive around waterloo doing errands
- meet up with some of my favourite agfitrian coops for lunch at bomber
- ~~possibly~~ probably skip semiotics (what a bum course!)
- salsa the night away at the flying dog

woot!

2004-06-02T00:08:00.000-04:00

claudia is a poo.

so i'm in my room, chatting away on msn when claudia sends me this link.

next thing i know i'm screaming my lungs out in complete horror and claudia's laughing her pretty little head off in the next room, with the satisfaction of knowing that she succeeded in scaring the heebeegeebees out of me.

stupid beer commercials.

i am not amused.

2004-06-01T15:07:00.000-04:00

the song in my head.

hand in my pocket
alanis morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken sh!t
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
What it all comes down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

2004-06-01T09:29:00.000-04:00

the one who got away.

current mood:

i saw the finale of "the one that got away" last night - thankfully my first and last time watching it. basic scheme of things: an "unscripted" reality show about a young dude who gathers up some of his exes and past flames and puts them into this huge southern mansion for x number of days, where he attempts to find "the one that got away". it reminded me of "the bachelor" except for the fact that all the women were somehow... "recycled". tonight's finale show was down to 2 of his cherished exes - he ended up picking his most recent ex, the one that he shared a love/hate relationship with ... meh.

disclaimer: this blog may contain material that may be a little too thoughtful / personal / perhaps even longwinded as a result of PMS and estrogen overload. reader discretion is advised. (it was only a matter of time, folks.)

didn't really care much for the show, though i was rather amused by its objective. i guess everyone has their own story about "the one who got away". after talking to a good friend early yesterday afternoon about past relationships and the long enduring process of "getting over it", the rest of the day seemed to revolve around that theme and as usual, i kept thinking about it, probably more than i really should have (also the random bumping into my own old flames and exes later that day didn't really help me much either - yeeeesh). so, i began to think about my own past relationships - boyfriends, crushes, and the like - and then i tried to determine who i considered as "the one who got away". his name was matthew and he was in my class in grade 6 - he had the most amazing hazel eyes, a great sense of humour, and there was a point in time where i seriously thought i was going to marry him (yes, i know... pretty hardcore for grade 6). dang. i think i probably liked him for a good 5 years before i finally realized that it just wasn't meant to be... our "official" relationship lasted one entire lunch recess - the best hour of my life. i think he was probably the only ex i've ever really maintained a (healthy) lasting friendship with... (strangely enough, john mayer's "back to you" just popped on my itunes right at this very moment - weird!) ...of course, with going separate ways because of high school and then university, our friendship eventually diffused - but somehow i still find myself still thinking about him once in a while...

i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, especially in the relationships department. i admit that my track record of past relationships, including friendships that have gone awry due to crushes gone wrong, has indeed been far from perfect - in fact, some have been quite dysfunctional. but i think in such situations, you can either do one of two things: hit rock bottom, or keep on truckin'. there's probably a good reason why i'm not mrs. matthew something-or-other right now, and maybe even a better reason as to why he got away when he did. i think alexander graham bell put it nicely when he said, "when one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

sure, there are times when even i fall victim to "staring at the closed door" in hopes that it'll perhaps magically open again - then eventually reality kicks in and i realize how foolish it would be to just keep on staring at it. i've been told that i tend to do this because i like to "play it safe" out of fear of opening other doors. and i see that partly true, the other reason being that a part of me tends to see things through this romantic haze and i get my hopes up easily (which i think has rather left me jaded in the process)... i think that when some of us think about "the one who got away", we often tend to dwell on what could have been more than being contented with what's already there, or even what opportunities may lie ahead.

looking back i think i've actually closed more doors than opened in my past, and in turn have even been labelled "the one who got away" to some (*sigh*), but my good friend pointed out yesterday that life has a funny way of always working out. and it couldn't be any closer to the truth. because even as vicious as the cycle of matters of the heart goes, there will always be a time when everything is good again - it just takes a matter of time and patience to get through the poopie parts of it all.

2004-05-30T23:33:00.000-04:00

hey dj, won'tcha play that song?

so, my family's been planning this gargantuan reunion in june for all of our family members far and wide, all over the world, in celebration of my god mother's 80th birthday. we've rented the hall, we've organized a program for the entire day's festivities, we've sent out the invitations, and we even started practicing our big family sing-along today.

talking with my aunts at lunch, the topic of line dancing came up - it was actually my fault, because i started joking about how we'd all break out and line dance during the dinner at the reunion. now, the scary thing is that line dancing is NO LAUGHING MATTER in my family, and i should have known that before opening my mouth. nothing makes us happier than to break out into lines and dance till the cows come home - we'll do it anywhere: in the basements of our houses, on the street, in our kitchens, even in public places. we have no shame when it comes to line dancing.

in saying that, my mom suggested that maybe it would be a fabulous idea if we DO keep up with tradition and take a few hours out of the program to "do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight" (no, she really didn't say that, but i'm sure that's what she was thinking in her head :oP). in all the excitement, my aunts giggled with glee and started practicing right then and there in our church basement... (no shame - none whatsoever :oP)

so, because i joked about it earlier, i have now been sent on the mission of finding music for the partaay. eeps... and this is why i haven't left the computer in the last 2 hours. because it's a family event, i can't just pick any ol' top 40 song, so i've been trying to find songs that were more "positive" - songs that would adhere to the musical likings of the older generation, and yet not make the younger generation want to gauge their eyes out with wooden spoons. :oD

here's the list that i've come up with thus far:
"saturday night" - weightfield
"gotta get through this" - daniel beddingfield
"follow me" - baltimore club music
"i believe" - yolanda adams
"heaven knows" - donna summers
"ymca" - the village people
"shackles" - mary mary
"macarena" - los del rio
(still contemplating on the last one, but the grandmothers love it :oP)

any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated :oP

in retrospect: i should really think before joking about line dancing with my family.

2004-05-30T21:08:00.000-04:00

so long french vanilla...

stella has a new addiction: timmie's hot chocolate with a mint tea bag (thank you, tess!)

mmmm. it's refreshing, AND doesn't taste as fattening ;o)

other news: i'm still trying to fight a head cold that i caught on friday. it doesn't seem to want to leave my throat :o( the amusing part of it all is that i've had friends atually compliment on how "sultry" and "sexy" my voice has become while i've been sick. oy. silly people. :oS

2004-05-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

just because everyone seems to be doing it...

E	Exciting
S	Slow
T	Tough
E	Exhausting
L	Loud
L	Lovable
E	Entertaining

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

... i'm SLOW?! hmph! :oP

2004-05-29T11:48:00.000-04:00

sunny day.

sleep is such a precious and wonderful thing - so much more wonderful when it's not disturbed by unnecessary pesky roomate noises ;oP

such a lovely day outside. the perma-smile hasn't faded from my face yet.

tangent: jacrise has a blog now ;o)

tee-hee.

2004-05-29T00:50:00.000-04:00

just call me miss saigon :oD

current mood:

i had my interview with the co-ordinator from Educational Services International this afternoon - the missions organization that i'm trying to arrange my last co-op term with for the Fall as an english teacher in vietnam.

nutshell version: after an hour and a half interview of pleasant conversation, the co-ordinator said that she thought i was the kind of candidate they were looking for this particular opportunity (which i have to admit was music to my ears :oP). though it isn't completely "official" just yet (i still gotta wait for them to send me all the proper paperwork in the next 10 days), she basically said that she's already looking forward to meeting me at the end of august when training starts in Cali :oD

that's right folks! no more co-op terms of paper creasing, folding, filing, OR cutting for this chica! i'm finally moving on to bigger and better (and further) pastures! :oP

so, now that the tough part's over and done with, all that's really left for me to do now is hear back from co-op. if everything works out after that, then i guess it's 3 more months, and i'll be packin' my bags and heading to vietnam! i'm très excited!

and so the big man upstairs comes through yet again :oD yay God! after a long week of "slight" academic struggles and domestic frustrations, this has definitely been an incredible way to end the week.

i've been on perma-smile since 5:30pm friday and lovin' every minute of it!

2004-05-27T10:10:00.000-04:00

even nocturnals need their sleep...

current mood:

add another vent-patty on the grill.

i went to sleep early last night, probably around 4am or so after watching "Fame". 3 hours later i am rudely awakened by the blasting of technobeats and high bass, accompanied by hysterical laughter coming from the other side of my wall - *sigh*. you'd think that *some* people would understand the concept of whispering at 7am, when everyone else in the house (yes, even me) is sleeping. normally i try to sleep it off, which used to work, but i think even this time would hit about 8 on the richter scale.

so, trynig to keep my cool, i got out of bed, politely knocked on their door, which was then followed by the sound of hurried shuffling and immediate "shhh" and pause. i asked them to keep it down, they apologized, and i made a second attempt to sleep.

7:15am. the technobeats and high bass aren't heard but the laughter comes back, this time followed by swearing, and louder volumes of conversation. 5 seconds after i'm once again interrupted from my sleep, i hear claudia yell out "SHUT THE #@&! up!" to them from her room. the volumes quickly decrease, and i try to go back to sleep again.

7:20am. i make my way over to their room again and bang on the door for them to keep it down. to say the least, stella's not very pleasant when she doesn't get her sleep. they finally keep it down, and i finally sleep for a good 3 and a half hours.

claudia was right - he only has two volumes. loud and louder. i don't get it. i mean, i understand that this whole situation could really be just a test of my patience and faith, but oy. sometimes i have my doubts about passing this one.

hmm.

in other more happy news: tess is coming up to loo to visit me today and staying over the night! i'm looking forward to the slight increase of estrogen in this apartment, even if it really is just for one night. yay! :o)

2004-05-25T23:46:00.000-04:00

stella's been a bad, bad girl.

hmm. don't i feel just a tad

well, it's official. i've joined forces with the darkside (aka erin). when you get caught passing notes by your engl 247 prof, you can't help feel a little bit sheepish. and the excuse of wanting to cure my nostalgia of wanting to relive my high school days, just wasn't going to cut it :oP hmm. well, the only amusing thing about it all was that we were "outstaged" by "infamous spider solitaire" girl just a few minutes after, so our guilt of disrupting the class subsided more quickly than anticipated.

heh. so, i've managed to taint my reputation as a good student. what can i say, i live on the wild side... (yes. i realize that was still a dumb move on our part) :oi

and my essay for rs 221 is still due tomorrow and i've done jack with it. oy. where did all my motivation go?!

random thought of the day: if only i could hoard money like i hoard music.

2004-05-25T02:43:00.000-04:00

not comprehending.

The unconditional concern which is faith is the concern about the unconditional. The infinite passion, as faith has been described, is the passion for the infinite. Or, to use our first term, the ultimate concern is concern about what is experienced as ultimate.

taken from Paul Tillich's Dynamics of Faith.

trying to get back into this whole studying groove is getting to be a little more harder than i thought it would be. i already have a test on wednesday, and the 54 pages that i'm required to read for it all read like the above passage. oy. now i remember why i didn't like reading paul tillich when i took rs 267 - after reading those 54 pages, i'm left rather dizzy than intellectually stimulated. hmm. maybe it's just me. maybe it's just the way he writes. maybe i should really start getting my priorities straight and get my "li'l behind" (as cristina puts it) to work...

nah. can't be the last one. :oP

2004-05-25T00:11:00.000-04:00

"I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night"

shrek is my hero... :oP

things over in the land of clayfield were slightly *noisy* (read: unbearable to the point where i came thisclose to retreating to a friend's place) once i came back from 'sauga - it's slightly difficult to study when you can hear certain things that really aren't meant to be heard, while your brain is suffocating from second-hand "weeding" - so i decided to run away for a few hours. in the midst of my escape, i bumped into a few good people along the way, and a group of us all decided to head over to princess to watch "supersize me", but being a holiday, there were only 4 seats left, and 10 of us. plan A wasn't gonna fly, so we made the quick last-minute decision to watch "shrek 2" at silver city instead.

i thought it was about dang good time for a "feel-good" movie. absolutely loved trying to figure out all the parodies - it's really all about Ariel's cameo and Puss in Boots! :oP

*sigh* there is such thing as "happily ever after", afterall ;o)

2004-05-23T18:13:00.000-04:00

God is good. All the time...

long weekend. in some ways, it's definitely been a *long* weekend.

i arrived back in 'sauga from the loo at about 2am saturday morning, from attending the hillsongs united concert. as i pulled into the driveway, i noticed that my brother's car was missing. assuming that he was just probably out with our youth group, i thought nothing of it and walked inside the house, where my aunt was waiting up for me with my mom and dad.

"jandrew's been in a bad car accident. he's sleeping in your room right now. the car's completely gone", my mom said.

earlier that day, my brother was driving himself and 3 other friends from lunch. he was making a left turn at the lights, when a driver in a ford explorer sped to try and beat the red light. not seeing my brother clearly, she ended up hitting my brother's car head on instead.

the entire front of the corolla looked like a crinkled pop can. thankfully no one was hurt. the doctors at the hospital were rather astounded at the fact my brother was able to walk away from the accident with only a few scrapes and bruises. the impact of the collision could have easily done more damage than it did.

so once again i am reminded at how precious life really is - it's like one of those things that you know and keep in the back of your head, but don't really understand until something finally happens to trigger it back into reality. you really never know what may happen in the next 24 minutes, nevermind the next 24 hours. and as much as i hate to have to think about it, the reality is that i could have easily lost my brother on friday afternoon. but through the grace and mercy of God, i didn't.

there are certain things that happen in life that don't have much of an explanation for happening the way they do. God is forever faithful and can handle so much more than any of us could ever handle physically and/or emotionally. no matter the situation, there are always blessings in disguise, even when we choose not to see it.

thank you Lord.

2004-05-21T03:26:00.000-04:00

1 more sleep before the weekend begins

since i've last blogged, i've...

- come to the conclusion (after only 3 weeks) that semiotics is poop. so far everything we've learned is just a regurgitation of the obvious... of COURSE any system of interpretants depends on its context. it also doesn't really help if every example brought up in class is a "bad example". flashbacks of linguistics are coming back to me. man... i'm ready to sick my signifying monkey on this class.

- cooked dinner with the cl-11 girls for some very hungry friends. a lovely evening, i thought. lost rohit along the way, but eventually got his voice message saying that he was on his way to our place but then realized he didn't remember where i lived... doh. i'm beginning to think that my whole "polkaroo" theory between him and jp is proving itself to be true.

- had the intent to go to silver city with dinner people to watch "shrek 2", but then remembered i'm broke. so i scratched that idea and watched "the girl with the pearl earring instead" after majority of the dinner people left. hmm. i'm not sure whether i liked or disliked this movie just yet... i think i'll decide that tomorrow (later today).

- been threatened by "sergeant cristina" in that she'll kick my "li'l behind" if i don't get it in gear with my school work... note to self: start wearing shin guards :o)

- started to feel pain in my legs from today's (err. yesterday's) workout. that's a good thing, right?

in addition: those of you who have taken my quiz have expressed your concerns that either it was too easy or too obvious. few of you have said it was difficult. the rest of you admitted to cheating (tsk, tsk, tsk). amidst my procrastination, i've decided to make another one that's slightly harder and slightly more ambiguous. first one to score 90-100, i'm planning to treat 'em to mcds :o) (hmm. yeah, why not? :oP) and for those of you who plan on cheating, i have ways of finding out. ;o)

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

so now my clock reads 3:27am. hmm. for once, i'm actually pooped.

2004-05-20T17:24:00.000-04:00

another one suckered into the wonderful world of blogging...

muuuhahahhaaha. bh has a blog!

error-error.blogspot.com

... sucker. :oP

2004-05-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

body blast... indeed

exhausted but

i finally made my way to the gym today with kara, and i came back sweating buckets and in slight pain. it's been a while since i've worked out, and i know my body isn't going to be too appreciative of that fact after i wake up tomorrow morning.

abs, freeweights, stepping (of which i'm proud to say i survived in one piece and didn't fall off once!), bicept and tricept curls, and of course more ab work = 60 minutes of ow ow ow.

but i am determined. i am stella. hear me roar.

*roar*

2004-05-20T01:21:00.000-04:00

you got served... ferreal!

YO! you got served!

barely made it through the bad acting and the quick-change camera angles - if it wasn't for the awesome breakdancing, it would probably be down there with "gigli". i don't recommend watching this movie for the acting or the really cheesy attempts to be ghetto (ie: whassup whassup yo? don't be trippin' aiiight? holla if y'all know how we do - let's DO dis!) - hmmm... now that i think about it, it was like a breaking rip-off of "bring it on", but i'll give this movie an A for effort... *sigh* one thing is fo' sure: these boys' moves are as smooth as chocolate - ooh! kinda reminded me of high school days where we'd all stay after school and watch "da crew" goof around in the hallways before the teachers or janitors kicked us out. *double sigh*

too bad there weren't any special features on "how to breakdance" like there were on the "honey" dvd. guess i'll have to practice on my own ;o) ... err. maybe after i vaccuum and mop the floor first :oP

*triple sigh* this whole week has just been movie after movie, blog after blog... could i be any less productive?

in one word? yes.

just five more minutes :o)
(and no, the essay hasn't been started yet)

2004-05-19T03:13:00.000-04:00

the calm after the storm...?

just came back from mcdonalds with ed and claudia to satisfy my mcflurry craving. yes, i realize that it's 3:10am. but when you're on pms, time just doesn't have any restraint on ice cream... especially if it's strawberry shortcake. yum.

today was definitely one of my better days.

managed to make it to 2 of 3 of my classes today. in semiotics i learned that "sex really isn't in the eye of the beholder, but is semiotic" - to say the least, there was quite the number of frazzled and blushing faces in today's lecture. in poco lit, we continued examining the kelly gang of australia... i was slightly thrown off when we looked at pictures of little kids dressed up for "kelly kids day" - for those of you who are unaware of who the kelly gang were, they were irish-australian outlaws (bushrangers) that were considered national heroes - the robin hoods of post-colonial australia. hmmm. don't get me wrong, i fully respect and appreciate australian culture, but does anyone else find this just slightly disturbing?

i was MIA in 247 american lit, but that was because i had an appointment... with american idol. :oP well, that was just mere coincidence (yeah. right. hehe). i figured that since i've already read the readings for class, as well as already read Little Women for next class, i figure i wouldn't be missing much tonight. but it was a good decision to skip class today because i was pleasantly surprised by an unexpected visit from livi. haven't seen her in ages, and since her church meeting was coincidentally cancelled (not for american idol), she decided to drop by. after about two hours of good coffee/hot chocolate, and half of american idol, we were able to catch up with what's been going on in each other's lives for the past 6 months. she was truly a sight for sore eyes - it was wonderful.

vietnam updates: i set up an interview with the coordinator of the organization responsible for my missions placement in vietnam, and she sent the applications to me through e-mail. she gave me 4 days to fill them out and find people (friends and family) who can be references for me. may 28 is the day. if all goes well, then hopefully i'll be serving there in the fall.

and then there was "Troy"... for a tuesday cheap night, there weren't that many people at silver city catching the late show. i enjoyed the fight scenes - kinda reminded me of braveheart in some ways, with the massive armies in combat and the recurring display of thighs and all. as usual, brad pitt was amazing (read: dreamy). yeesh :oP i was dazzled by all the bicept goodness *sigh* there's just something about greek mythology men and their flowy hair and beards, and skirts... :oP *happy sigh* hmmm although, i'm still rather confused about the whole achilles romance with bresies - is that what really happened?? if it did, then i think that the teacher forgot to tell us about it in grade 9 english class ;o) overall, i was contented with it, but at the same time i think i let my greater expectations disappoint me slightly. but with orlando bloom, brad pitt, AND eric bana (who i'm adding to my favourite male celeb list), i was easily swayed to appreciate the movie on a whole :o) note to self: find a man who has nice flowing long hair, blue eyes, knows how to handle a sword, and whose legs look great in a skirt ;o) ohhh yes. and his name must start with a "brad" and end with a "pitt" :oP

plans for the rest of the week include:
wednesday - going grocery shopping with the girls for our dinner party on thursday
thursday - class and cooking up a storm for our guests :o)
friday - united live concert
saturday - dentist appointment (yup. they finally remembered me... after a year and a half)

let's hope that gray skies are gonna clear up, cuz stella's put on her happy face :oD

2004-05-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

we jammin'... we hope you like jammin' too

there's just something about bob marley that makes me wanna sip pina coladas on the white sandy beaches of a tropical paradise... mmmmm...

much needed especially during a gloomy day such as this.

one love man. one love.

2004-05-18T04:06:00.000-04:00

and the cheese stands alone...

yup. that's me. the lonely cheese.

i really don't know why that dang farmer is in the dell, but he doesn't seem to want to leave my head :oP

just a tad...

the apartment is quiet. i can hear the birds chirping happily outside - it's 4:12am according to my clock. they're on time as usual.

my initial plan was to let the sleepies take over in the next 3 hours. however, seeing that i just squashed a huge bug that had more pairs of legs than the number of people who live here (including boyfriends), i think i'm going to retire early and hide underneath my covers. plan b is to pretend that monster of a bug was just a figment of my own delusional state of mind.

eeps!

2004-05-17T17:51:00.000-04:00

it's just another manic monday

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
My I don't have to runday
It's just another manic Monday

-- from The Bangles' "Manic Monday"

***

another day, another... blog :o) after 3 hours of traffic on the 401, i'm finally back in the land of loo. it's a shame how even 4-day weekends seem so short. but at least i can say that this week has gotten off to a happy, non-dramatic (well, as can be expected) start. drove down to "the coke" and spent the morning and early afternoon in deep girly chit chat with tess over brunch, which was scrumptious and expensive (frigging $7.91 for a bacon/ham melange?!). following brunch, we decided to head back to her place and take a trip through memory lane - looking at old pictures (something that i've been doing a lot this weekend *shudder*), reminiscing about old and current crushes (holy crap, we liked a lot of boys back in the day... ;oP), and laughing till our sides swelled... it's times like these that make me realize how girly i really am (this cookie isn't so tough afterall :oP)... *contented warm nostalgic sigh*

and so begins week 3... i think i could get used to the idea of coming back to waterloo on mondays :o)

2004-05-16T22:52:00.000-04:00

jellybeans and dutch dreams...

spent the afternoon at sankara's *new* bachelor pad after church. with a bucket of kfc, a jar of jellybeans, old picture albums, a messed-up scrabble game, ice cream from dutch dreams, and good people, you've got nuttin but faboo times in store. it's been a while since we've been able to act completely crazy and dorky with each other (well, maybe not THAT long). hehe... btw, any scrabble game with the words "geek" and "poo" just spells trouble... haha (pun intended). when you're playing scrabble with a computer graphics major, an english major, and a linguistics major, and the longest word you can come up with is "retaper" (which to my knowledge isn't even a real word), it's sad... amusing, but sad. :oP

highlights:

hmmm. why do "spirit fingers" come to mind?? the other pic is of charlene and me making our dutch dreams come true! mmmmm.... too bad my banana and strawberry never made it into my mouth. i hope the sewer enjoyed it as much i would have... *sigh*

other weekend news: spent the rest of the weekend sleeping, eating, catching up with old friends, and cooking up a storm... oh. and in the midst of everything else, wrote my first article for toadlane. woohoo! do i really have to head back to waterloo so soon? :o(

clayfield 11 drama updates: i've been informed that *someone's* boyfriend likes to pee and poo in front of an audience. hmm. yes. well... "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"

2004-05-15T15:15:00.000-04:00

dilemma.

so i come out of the shower and my mom is folding clothes with a very awkward, unsettled look on her face. before i say anything, she blurts out to me, "daddy's slightly unsure about your decision to go into missions in the fall"...

i knew this was coming. my parents seemed waaaay too lenient at the beginning when i had told them my decision to use my last co-op term for teaching english in vietnam. though, i don't blame them at all for feeling the way they do, and i respect them for it. after talking to my dad, he raised up some pretty heavy concerns: money, culture differences, distance, short-term focus, etc. - he would rather prefer me to head out into missions after i complete my undergrad. my rebuttal was that this opportunity is all for God, and whatever challenges i may face, there's nothing He can't do - i gain nothing earthly by going to vietnam, and this whole experience would give me the discipline, humility, and humbleness that i seek, while putting the gifts He gave me to His use. both of my parents completely understand why i would want to go, but as parents it's just a matter of being able to let me go. but i strongly believe that this opportunity didn't just fall into my lap by mere coincidence, and i fear that neglecting it would put me back into my own "safety zone" - something that i feel i've been doing for far too long in my life.

my brain says yes. my spirit says yes. my heart is torn.

so here i am, sitting beside myself, trying to figure out whether i should stick to my "God" instincts, or whether to obey my parents.

until i make the final decision, prayers for guidance and direction are strongly needed.

*sigh*

Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light for my path.
I have taken an oath and confirmed it,
that I will follow your righteous laws.
I have suffered much;
preserve my life, O LORD , according to your word.
Accept, O LORD , the willing praise of my mouth,
and teach me your laws.
Though I constantly take my life in my hands,
I will not forget your law.
The wicked have set a snare for me,
but I have not strayed from your precepts.
Your statutes are my heritage forever;
they are the joy of my heart.
My heart is set on keeping your decrees
to the very end.

Psalm 119:105-112

2004-05-15T02:50:00.000-04:00

oy.

it's 3 something in the morning, and i'm chatting with a *slightly drunk* (read: highly intoxicated) rohit right about now, and i'm finding it pretty um... amusing. doubt he'll remember much of this conversation once the hangover subsides, so i've decided to record some highlights just for your (well... our) enjoyment:

robohit says: man..
robohit says: you know
robohit says: i'm sorry ... i know you're taking what i say at a grain of salt cuz i'm tipsy
robohit says: but i do mean it estlle
robohit says: perhaps..
robohit says: i mean it more that what i say when i'm sober... cuz i've lost my inhibitions
robohit says: i can say things like "i think your'e hot" and "i think you're wonderful:

***

robohit says: but really estlle...
robohit says: i think you're beautiful. inside and out.
robohit says: and all that i say about hoping to end up with a girl like you.
robohit says: i mean it
stella - in sauga till monday morning! says: LOL you realize i'm blogging about this conversation right at this very moment right?
robohit says: nooo
robohit says: no fair
robohit says: i'm tipsy
robohit says: but i do love you estlle

***

stella - in sauga till monday morning! says: holy crap how much did you drink?
robohit says: not much actually
robohit says: i don't think i'm drunk..
robohit says: i just don't feel like hiding stuff anymnore
robohit says: i feel like being open
robohit says: btw you've got an incredible voice
robohit says: i mean.. not just in singing
robohit says: but you're falsettto or whatever it's called
robohit says: it's beautilful
robohit says: when u pronounce just regular words.. i think it's beautifful

***

oh rohit, you make me smile - just for the record, i think you're a beautiful person too :oP
hopefully the headache won't be that bad tomorrow ... err - later today ;o)

2004-05-14T14:41:00.000-04:00

hmm.

looking at the current results of my quiz, none of them were under 50. that could mean either 3 things: my friends really DO know me that well, they cheated (*coughcharlenecough*), or i just talk too much ;o)

i guess i'll just have to make the next one harder... hehe.

i'm back home in sauga now, and planning to stay here till monday morning before heading back to the drama that is waterloo... i'm thinking that hiding out here for the next 3 and a half days will be good therapy for me.

tangent: my dad was able to tape the last 2 episodes of american idol, and the last 2 reunion shows of survivors all-star for me. all i gotta say is, DANG NABBIT! :oD

2004-05-14T00:43:00.000-04:00

mean girls...

feelin' rather

it's raining now, but thankfully the sun shone through most of the day - long enough for the duration of our bbq. after moving from grill to grill, we finally settled ourselves at the A1 patio of WCRI. the turnout was great, and the food was awesome. today was definitely a good day for a good bbq, and i am happily stuffed :o)

today's festivities were followed by heading down to galaxy to watch "mean girls" with my own posse of mean girls. even this was probably geared to a young(er) audience, i genuinely loved this movie - even the guys we forced to watch it with us laughed along and liked it too :o) scary enough, it actually brought back a few memories from my elementary/high school years. of course, i was never a part of the "mean girls" clique, but i could probably relate better to cadie's character... well, minus the short skirts and the fact that i sure as heck didn't look as good and well-groomed as she did at the age of 17. *sigh* the wantingness of trying to fit in with the "in crowd"... the memories... :oP hmm, i thought that this was a little more "mature" for a kids movie, but nevertheless, it was much enjoyed :oD

*happy sigh* it feels great to finally be able to blog on my very own computer :oP

and to celebrate finally rekindling my relationship with my beloved internet, i've decided to compose a li'l quiz (inspired by claudia)...

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

2004-05-13T18:39:00.000-04:00

drumroll please...

WE HAVE INTERNET!!

*cartwheels*

:oD

2004-05-12T17:39:00.000-04:00

here a blog, there a blog, everywhere a blog blog...

(yes, i'm still in dp - hopefully we'll be getting internet back up and running by this coming monday *cross fingers*) man... already the second week of school and i find myself heading to bed as the birds sing their early morning song... it's a peaceful thing to fall asleep to - definitely much better than the noises some things (or people) make when they go "bump" in the night. i blame my early start on nocturnalness on the fact that my classes start no earlier than 1:30pm. but i'm getting used to the plethora of evening classes - it helps knowing that that's when my brain switch finally turns on. :o)

i think i may already have an essay due next week for my rs 221 de class, but instead i've chosen to catch up on my urbana books that i bought this past december, along with other books that my friends have gifted me for some "spiritual enlightenment". i just finished reading Boy Meets Girl by joshua harris (same author as I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and it was an interesting read... i thought it was a little extreme in some areas, even a little on the cheesy side (ie: courtship cops?!), but people have warned me that it would be, so in some ways, i expected that... reading it actually made me feel more reassured though, knowing that someone else agrees with me in that singlehood isn't a terminal disease that everyone else treats it as. :o) next book on my list: The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. really looking forward to reading that one, though i know it's not going to be easy once reading assignments, midterms, and essays kick into full gear... and of course, there's the random renting and watching of movies till the early hours of the morning that may distract me - hmm. maybe it was a bad idea to install that dvd player thingy into my laptop :oP

while i've been catching up on my blog readings, it kinda makes me wish i had some exciting adventures to write about in this blog, other than the usual rants, vents, mundane but sometimes happy adventures - wish i could write something about spontaneous trips to europe, or driving across the country, or going to alaska just for the heck of it, or even something about lions and tigers and bears (oh my); but instead, while it seems like everyone is having a blast elsewhere, stella can't come out to play... *sigh* so for now, i'm looking forward to things picking up the pace in june and july... ;o)

on another note, seems to me that my friends who have been keeping up with this blog thus far have been slightly worried about my welfare, more than they need to be ;oP - i checked my e-mail and cell phone voice messages today and there were a lot of "estelle, we haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay?" messages, and i even got a voice message that said "i'm sorry for your loss - your time will come soon..." - but that one was from a paid advertisement for funeral directors (pretty morbid if you ask me), so i'm not really sure whether to count that one. :oP well, all humour aside, just to let y'all know, i haven't completely fallen off the face of the earth, and i'm doing fine. really. i'm fine ... really.

... really :o)

2004-05-10T14:53:00.000-04:00

week 2...

it's monday and i'm back at dp again. good news is that we finally have a phoneline running in clayfield 11. yay!

after 2 classes and 1 tutorial, i finally made the quick decision to drop psci 350A - just wasn't my cup of tea. didn't really turn out the way i wanted it to, and i must admit, those economical charts and graphs of supply and demand, along with the endless references to NGOs and GNPs intimidated and humbled this english major. my confidence is slightly bruised, but i think i made the right decision to drop it.

so, in it's place, i've decided to swap courses and take engl 247 - american literature and pop culture instead.

2004-05-09T00:09:00.000-04:00

"I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere..."

bad move: i started singing "didn't cha know" by erykah badu in the shower this morning, and i still can't seem to get it out of my head... (grr. it just had to be THAT song)

well, it was a long first week of school, but fortunately i've been able to find sanctuary in the comfort of my own home, back in 'sauga. however, it's been far from a relaxing weekend. aside from this past week's adventures of midnight coke float runs to niagara falls and last-minute shopping sprees, this weekend only gave way to even more action-packed goodness.

friday was bh and abby's wedding. the bride was lovely, the groom was handsome, the ceremony was short and sweet, and the reception (after we finally realized that the hall was on Derry and not Goreway) was full of good times all around. as expected, i was approached with the popular "are you going to be next?" and "when is your turn?" questions from family members/friends several times during the night, but i managed to dodge them gracefully. it was indeed a night of great music, great food, great friends, and last but certainly not least, my date (who happened to kick my ass in linedancing and ditched me on the dancefloor for his *imaginary* partner :oD) was pretty great too. as if the night couldn't have been any more awesome, we topped it all off with a few (read: seemingly endless) hours of MARIOKART DOUBLE-DASH on gamecube. i still yet have a bit to learn (ie: L and R button breaks on sharp turns), but "estellekins" is determined to whoop ass :o) *sigh* one day...

my cousins from michigan, along with my godson nathan and his new sister alexa also dropped by for a visit this weekend - it's incredible, yet scary how kids grow up so fast. one day they're just small little bundles of joy, and the next thing you know, they're running around all over your house, wanting to touch (read: break) anything and everything they can get their hands on... and yet, somehow you still let them do it anyway because they're just so cute when they do end up breaking something.

all in all, a wonderful weekend - and it's not over yet. it's definitely times like these that make ya realize that life doesn't suck that much afterall :o)

2004-05-04T12:31:00.000-04:00

spring is definitely in the air... and it smells like poo

i've shifted from the engineering computer lab to dp. seems like we'll be getting internet in a week - how i'm going to hold out till then, i'm not sure :oP every time my mouse cursor hovers over the messenger icon, i'm reminded that i don't have internet yet... sweet, sweet, internet... how i miss you so.

day 3 in waterloo - i have semiotics in 1/2 an hour. seems like this term is a bit wonky - yes, i realize that it's only been a day and a half of school, but oy. i dunno, for some reason i've been feeling rather lonely and reserved these past few days - i'd blame it on the "once a month" bug, but that's probably the least thing i'm worried/irritated about. last night, i had to air out my room for 2 hours in order to get the smell of weed out of my sheets, my clothes, my room... *sigh*

... my patience is slightly wearing thin, but i'm keeping the faith that things will eventually get better.

2004-05-02T21:49:00.000-04:00

back in the 'loo - and the cycle begins again

finally moved in and settled back at good ol' clayfield 11. *sigh* school hasn't even started yet, and here i find myself already on campus, in the engineering computer lab checking e-mail and blogging away because our phone and internet lines aren't hooked up yet... yeeeesh.

in other news, i finally got to see "love actually" today. i thought it was rather cute. i agree with jp on the whole "gimmicky" thing, but it worked for me - warm fuzzies and all. and of course, hugh grant and colin firth were very pleasant on the eyes :oP

2004-05-02T02:27:00.000-04:00

new term, new blog...

i thought that this would be an appropriate way to begin this blog...

(the caption of this cartoon is "i am never going to work again.")

here's to new beginnings!